Being Gently Led

Control

2012-02-02T10:07:00.000-08:00

I have control issues.
I know this may be totally shocking to you ...
Or, rather, it doesn't surprise you at all.
The reality is, the more in control I want to be and the more in control I'm trying to feel, the more out of control everything seeems.
I could compare myself to Peter from the Bible. The man saw Jesus walking on the water and was so excited he jumped over the boat to meet Him. I don't know how far he got before he realized he was also walking on the water. The moment he took his eyes off Jesus, he started to drown. He cried out for Jesus and Jesus pulled him back up. That story always made me chuckle - I always thought, "Pete, seriously. You were walking on the water! Why not just keep your eyes on Jesus?"
As I've gained more life experience, I've realized that keeping my eyes on Jesus isn't always as simple as it sounds.
Well...maybe it is as simple as it sounds, but I am easily distracted.
Peter was distracted by the wind, I am distracted by just about everything around me.
In the last six months, God has awakened desires in my heart that I probably would have scoffed at a few years ago. I want to run a successful business - a few years ago I never would have imagined that I'd be in a position to make that happen. God has opened door after door for me, sometimes providing just what I need moments before I need it. And in those moments when He provides exactly as I need it, I realize I had taken my eyes off of Him way earlier; that I was drowning and He had reached out His hand to save me.
My most poignant example is when I needed to buy my airline ticket to Nashville late last year. I just didn't have the money for it. Mike and I decided, from the get-go, that I could go to Nashville if my business could pay for it. As the date for departure grew nearer and nearer, I began to get restless. I started looking around and freaking out. And whining. Lots and lots of whining.
"But Go-od...you provided the money for my stay. Why aren't you providing the money to get me there? ... But Go-od, if you want me to go, why aren't you providing right now? ... But Go-od...whiny whiny waaaaah!"
I had a photography event which I thought would provide more than ample money to get me to Nashville and the day of the event I had cancellations and things didn't go right and I was so disappointed. In my heart I was grumbling and I tried, I really tried, to be thankful for the business I had received but it was so much easier to focus on what I didn't get. After the event I drove by the bank to deposit my money and I realized that I had .02 more than I needed for my ticket. Yes, my friends, .02.
When he (Peter) saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink cried out "Lord, save me!" Jesus immediately reached out His hand and caught him, saying to him, "Oh man of little faith. Why did you doubt?" Matthew 14:30-31
This was my Peter moment. Well, more accurately...ONE of my Peter moments.
Peter jumped off that boat looking right at Jesus, trusting Jesus and allowing Jesus to have full control. As soon as he took his eyes off Jesus it all went underwater...literally.
I'd been trusting Jesus. But along the way I got distracted by the details and quickly took my eyes off of what Jesus had been doing for me, and instead focused on the distractions and started drowning. When I saw that additional .02 in my bank account I could almost hear Jesus saying to me, "Oh woman of little faith. Why did you doubt?"
I promised I would never doubt again.
I promised I would never try to control the situation again.
I promised to always have faith.
I promised - extra promised - to always trust that the Lord would provide, when I needed it, and to not worry or get distracted by the seeming absence of what I thought I needed. I promised to believe that if God wanted me to go somewhere or do something, He would make it happen.

But I am writing this blog post, so I'm sure you gathered I didn't really stick with my promises...

Here I am. Back to questioning, wondering, struggling. Whining. Gosh, I'm good at whining.
In January, Mike and I took a huge leap of faith with our business. We went running toward what we feel God has for us. But a leap of faith requires so much ... faith. And letting go. It requires a lot of letting go.
What I want is to be in control of everything. I want to know what God is doing, why He is doing it, when it is going to end (or start), how is this going to affect me and my family and I really need to know right now. Right. Now.
I guess I struggle with patience too.
Yesterday when I read devotions to my kids, the verse at the end of the story was Psalm 37:7 "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him."
Then my sister came over and pulled up a Psalm she'd written. She titled it Redemption Psalms.
My sister struggles with control in her life too. It has manifested differently than it has in mine, but when I read what she'd written, it struck a chord with me. It took Psalm 37:7 to an entirely new level for me, and helped me to understand what truly resting in the Lord is.
With her permission, I'd like to share a slightly edited version here.

You asked me to change and I feel confused.

I point my finger, "What about them?"

You ask me to trust

I don't know how after what has been done to me.

You ask me to let go.

I make excuses.

You ask me to look at what I've done,

Again, I point my finger elsewhere.

You point to me and say, "LET GO!"

"NO!"

You ask me again.

"Lord, I can't."

Even tighter I hold to what I know.

You lovingly pursue,

Yet I cling to my idol, the one thing I think will not hurt me.

You gently hold me in Your arms,

"Lord, don't touch me!"

You caress my face.

"Lord, if I let go and You hurt me, where will I be?"

"I am the Lord your God and you are my people."

Not if I have to let go!

You again ask, "Let go" and promise you will hold me.

"Don't ask me to give up my control. It's the one thing that won't hurt me."

This time You pierce my heart.

This hurts!

You didn't tell me it would be so uncomfortable!

"I didn't say it would be easy."

I am ashamed and hang my head low.

"I will never leave you nor forsake you,"

You whisper to me.

This time You ask and I find myself willingly relinquishing my control.

The fear of the unknown sends panic in me.

I look to You and am comforted.

I know the healing has begun.

It's interesting to me that I don't think I can truly "rest in the Lord" until I've given Him full control. And, as my sister's Psalm says, it's painful and uncomfortable. Not obsessing and worrying is totally out of my comfort zone. For some reason, the more I worry, the more I whine and the more I doubt, the more I tell myself I can control. The reality is, the more I do those things, the more out of control everything gets. I spiral and I find myself calling out "Lord! Help me!" even though he's been right there the whole time! And not only that, but when I had my eyes on Him to begin with, I was fine.

Did you read that?

When I had my eyes on Jesus everything was fine.

My guess is, there was still trouble going on around me. I'm sure there was wind and waves and I could have drowned at any moment ... but I didn't. I wasn't focused on what was going on around me, I was looking at Jesus and what He was doing. But, the moment I felt the ocean spray in my face, or noticed that the wind was tousling my hair, or saw that my feet were wet...

The moment I took my eyes off Jesus to put my hair back in place.

The moment I took my eyes off Jesus to clean the spray off my face.

The moment I took my eyes off Jesus to shake the water off my feet.

That moment is when I start to sink. And sinking is terrifying.

Here I am. At the end of my promises. Starting over.

Jesus has held out His hand and lifted me up and I am faced with this choice again.

Do I fix my eyes on Jesus? Or do I fix my eyes on the details?

I may have to make this choice every day. Or every hour. Some days, I have to make this choice every minute.

I hope I choose to relinquish control. I hope I choose to rest.

It is so much nicer to just keep my eyes on Jesus and let Him keep me afloat to begin with.

Living Debt Free - The Final Debt Story

2012-01-10T18:43:00.000-08:00

Please excuse the crappy quality of this video. We had to tape it as it came over the air through our computer...pretty backwoods but it worked! Also, pardon how totally dorky we sound. If you've read our entire debt story, you know how excited we were for this moment...but we still sound super cheese.

Mike and I have been debt free for awhile now. Over two years. The completion of our story is long overdue, but the truth of the matter is that our story is still being written. God's provision has overflowed in our lives but we still are a long way from being the financial stewards He wants us to be.

Being out of debt has been so good for us but I know it is only possible because we have refused to open new credit cards.

I thought I would make a list of all the things we've been able to do without our credit cards. I'd like to remind you that, until very recently, Mike was the only one who contributed to our family financially. Most of you know he's a police officer and while he makes a good wage, our income is below the median for our area. We bought our home when the market was starting to climb, and like the rest of the dimwits out there, refinanced multiple times so our mortgage payment is embarrassingly high for our little home. It's important to me that people don't read this list and think, "Oh, well you can do these things because Mike makes so much money." There's a lot of blood, sweat and tears that have been put into our staying out of debt.

So, here's my list...
* Bought a truck.
* Bought another truck when the first truck caught on fire. (Another post for another day!)
* Took the kids to Montana for a few days.
* Took the kids to Silverwood.
* Took the kids to Canada to visit Mike's sister.
* Mike and I took a trip to Dallas to visit our dearest friends.
* Established an emergency fund. (*confession* This has been super difficult for us. Because we don't have a lot of excess income, and because we have had quite a few emergency's come up over the last two years, it is nowhere close to where we want it, but we continue to work on it.)
* Increased our tithing to 10% of Mike's income.
* Spent one week in Maui for our tenth anniversary.
* I started a photography business.
* We go out to dinner. Often. (Er...I just like it.)
* Mike got me a laptop for my business.
* Mike bought me a new camera for my business. And new lenses.
* Each year for my birthday Mike has taken me away to a nice hotel and given me a shopping spree.
* We remodeled our kitchen.
* In two days we're taking our kids to Disneyland. For a week.

These are just the things that come to mind right now. As I think longer I know I can come up with more. Since choosing to make the effort to get, and stay, out of debt, our lives have been blessed beyond measure.

We have had to be patient. We have continued to have to go without. Our home is still 1300 square feet. Our yard is still small. With four children and large families on both sides, Christmas is still a stretch. Our TV is old. Our computer is outdated. Our fireplace is still unfinished.
We don't get to do everything we want.

But...(and you knew the BUT was coming, didn't you?!)

While it is a continual process, we have learned to be content with what we have.

And what we have is truly more than we deserve.

Guess what?!

2011-11-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

I am alive! I'm still here - ahahahaha! Bet you thought you'd lost me for good, huh?
In an attempt to revive my blogging presence I've decided to blog about the things I'm thankful for every day this month...except I'm doing it over at my photography blog. Hehe...sneaky, huh?
Actually, I've been terrible with blogging there too - I am months behind in updating photo sessions - but I'm trying to be better.
Anyhow, if you're interested in what's going on in my head, you can at least get a small glimpse over there!
Hope you all are well!!

This is my "Gee...I feel kind of guilty for not blogging in forever and I'm trying to be better but I'm not really sure how it's going to work" face.

For the Benefit of the Fraternal Order of Police

2011-06-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to be hosting my first fundraiser to benefit the FOP. I figure most of my readers know who the FOP is and what they do but for those who don't, check out THIS link.

I did my first boudoir photo session a few months ago and I was totally hooked! I loved the creativity it inspired in me and I loved how my client felt about the pictures afterwards. I knew that I was going to have to find a way to combine these boudoir photos with my love for law enforcement...but how?? ;)

I decided that doing a boudoir 'event' was going to be the way to go. I contacted another police wife and she totally got the ball rolling! My friend Melissa jumped in and made up a gorgeous flyer for us, the W Hotel got on board and donated space for us to do the pictures...and the Boudoir Benefit for the FOP was born!

I'm really excited about this benefit and I wanted to share it with you all here. If you have a moment head over to Facebook and 'like' us to show us a little bit of love!

Dennis the Menace

2011-05-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was just one of those days.

The kids were all in rare form - argumentative, crabby, needy. The list goes on. After lunch we found Brooklyn and Simeon playing in some cans of paint we'd left out to dry. It was pretty easy to clean up but Brooklyn was devastated that she had ruined one of her dresses. Mike got a huge bucket of soapy water for them to clean off with, which he later found them giving it to the dog. To escape the craziness we made the decision to head to Target for a few things we needed where every single one of our children was out of control. Running up and down the aisles, throwing temper tantrums on the floor, pulling things off shelves...it left me thinking that somone really ought to parent my children. (Oh...wait...)

On our way home we stopped by my folks to pick up a blender (since I had broken ours the day before) and while walking back to the car Mike and I noticed that the kids had not only painted themselves...they'd also painted the passenger door and hood of our car. (Insert ridiculously heavy sigh here.)

After arriving home I made the kids play outside. Brooklyn insisted she needed to nap (thank God someone in our house was thinking clearly) so she put herself to bed. Mike continued his work in our garden and attempted to clean the paint off the car while I started on dinner. While deciding which herb to use in my pasta (Basil or oregano? Basil or oregano?...decisions decisions!) I heard Simeon crying outside and, as usual, prepared to give him kisses.

When he walked in the door and came over to me I was a little surprised by the fact that he didn't want me to put him down after his kiss. Usually one kiss and hug does the trick and he's back to being his normal crazy two year old self. When I asked him what happened he said Lincoln hurt him. This is not unusual - his older brothers like to treat him like he is as big and as coordinated as they are. He didn't want me to put him down so I took him to the living room where I noticed he was holding his arm. He still continued to cry and every time I moved him he cried more. I felt that something might be off so I went to the back yard to ask the older boys what had happened.

The conversation went something like this...

Me: Boys...I need to know what happened to your brother.
Lincoln and Judah (laughing): Oh mom...it was soooooo cool!
Me: What was?
Lincoln: We pulled this branch down, right here (points to a tree branch a good two feet over his head) and we pulled it back, and Simeon was standing right there (points to an area of the yard below the tree) and we let it go! It hit him in the chest and he went flying! It was awesome!
Me: (kind of getting nervous) How did he land?
Lincoln demonstrates how Simeon fell...on his arm.

So I went to find Mike.

"I think something is wrong with Sim's arm. He's not using it, he won't stop crying, the boys said he landed on it weird...I think it may be dislocated or broken."

Mike glares at the boys. "I just told them ten minutes ago to stop pulling those branches back."

He came into the house where Simeon was getting more and more agitated by the minute. He moved his arm and fingers around a bit and then said, "I think he's fine."

I, in usual form, began to cry and stated, "No, he's not. I'm taking him in."

After a little back and forth about where I should take him Mike put him in the car while I looked up wait times for the walk-in clinic down the road. Before I walked out the door Lincoln said, with tears in his eyes, "I didn't mean to break him mom." I think any irritation I had toward him dissipated in that moment. A quick hug to comfort him and I was off. Simeon screamed the entire way. When we got into the waiting room of the clinic he was screaming so much I could hardly hear the receptionist. It took all of three minutes before she said, "You know, they are going to triage him right away and get you to x-rays."

The x-rays were a painful experience for him but they determined he had indeed fractured his elbow. (Insert my brief moment of pride at the fact that my Mother's Instinct had been correct!) The fracture was in such a location that the doctor decided we should head south to Seattle Children's Hospital to see their orthopedic team. Then he said we were going right away - he wanted us to be admitted through the ER. Great.

At the ER they told us they needed to do another x-ray to determine the grade of the fracture. Once that was done they told us they reccomended surgery to fix the elbow. The location of the fracture in conjuction with the fact that there isn't much growth in that area led them to believe that if they didn't fix it it would heal in an improper position leading him to have wonky arms as he grew older. (Please note...no doctor actually used the term wonky but I'm pretty sure they wanted to.)

It was difficult for Mike and me to say yes to the surgery. Although we knew they felt we should do it, the thought of putting him under anesthesia was scary, and subjecting him to pain is never something we want to do. While they said his arm could heal incorrectly if left alone, they also said there was a small chance it could heal fine. We were put at ease a little knowing that there would be no blood loss and that the risk of them having to cut his arm open was miniscule. After prayer and discussion we decided we would go ahead with the surgery.

Around midnight Simeon was sent in for surgery. Although it wasn't an emergency situation they felt that it would be better to do the surgery right away instead of waiting a couple of days. Simeon hadn't eaten since lunch and for me, the thought of putting him through that again was heartbreaking.

So, here I am, nine hours after surgery, totally exhausted watching my sweet baby sleep with a giant cast and sling on his arm and a Looney Tunes hospital gown on.

He came out of surgery well. The nurses said the first thing he said was "Owie" and then "Momma". Love my baby boy! He has two pins in his arm that will be removed in three weeks and a totally awesome cast that I'm pretty sure will make him the most popular two year old in Sunday School.

I am so thankful for everyone's prayers yesterday - although I was anxious at times I never felt too overwhelmed and Mike and I both were able to remain calm. I am thankful for the Lord's protection over Simeon as that branch could have hit him in the face and I can only imagine the kind of damage it would have done there. He is a brave little trooper and I cannot wait to get out of this hospital and take him home! Thank you to everyone who prayed for us and texted me during the evening and night - you all blessed me more than you know.

Car painting and a broken elbow all in one afternoon. This kid sure is doing a good job of living up to the nickname bestowed upon him by his uncle...Dennis the Menace.

Milestones

2011-05-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

Today marks a very big milestone in my life. One I am exceptionally proud of and one that has taken me many many years to attain.

Today is the two week anniversary of me making my bed every day.

Not my bed. Not even close. I wish my bed were this nice. And my room were this clean. And I'm a little jealous of all the pillows. Anyway...moving on...

Before you close this page and stop reading, bear with me! That may seem like something really dumb to be proud of. I mean, everyone makes their bed, don't they? At least, that is what my mother would have you think. My grandmother ingrained that into her. Make your bed every. single. day. My mother, being the good daughter that she was, always did. And my mom taught me to make my bed every single day. Except...I didn't. Unless I was threatened with being grounded or having something taken away, I rarely made my bed. When I was in college and lived with my grandparents, and I didn't make my bed, my grandma would just make it for me. She also picked up my room, did my laundry, cleaned my bathroom and made me lunch everyday...but that's a story for another time. (PS...I loved living with my grandparents.)

My point is, I've never really made my bed. I don't know why. Perhaps it was my inner rebel (more likely my inner slob) but I just never grew out of not making my bed.

When Mike and I got married he would just make the bed. I felt a little guilty, but not guilty enough to make the bed. The only time I made the bed was when I changed the sheets. And then I was an animal. I wanted everything straight and lined up and the corners to be perfect. I would place the pillows just so and arrange the comforter exactly perfect ... because once a week I liked having a nicely made bed and crisp sheets to climb into. Mike hated it when I changed the sheets because I would get so anal about how the bed was made.

He called me The Sheet Nazi.

Once a week, I cared. And I hated it when he helped me put sheets on the bed because I'd just have to redo his side. We've been married over ten years now and this has been my song and dance for the entire time.

Never make the bed unless I'm putting clean sheets on. Then, and only then, be a royal terror about how the bed looks and the blankets are organized.

So, basically, my bed-making habits are a big fat joke.

15 days ago, when I attended my homeschool support meeting, we had a wonderful woman named Pam speak to us about children and chores. Trust me, I was there with a notepad and paper ready to take notes. I could not wait to get the answers on how to get my kids to help out around the house. I figured if anyone was going to help me, it was going to be the mother of eleven, yes...11...children.
Pam will have the answers!!!

So, with pen and paper ready to jot down every word that came out of her moth, I listened intently to what she had to share. And she had a lot to say.

To me. About me. She offered me hope and helped me to see that chores...

Begin with me.

I'm a little embarrassed that I didn't see that before. Teaching my children how to do things requires that I teach them by example.

And Pam very gently and sweetly encouraged me to start small.

"Start," she said, "by making your bed every day. Once you have that mastered, move onto something else. Picking up your room. Once that is mastered, add something else. Baby steps. Teach your children by being the example."

Baby Steps. That resonates with me. Baby steps got us out of debt. Baby steps are helping us change our eating habits. Baby steps are going to help me become a better home maker - the kind of home maker who has a clean house every once in awhile. Baby steps are going to help me be an example of how to do chores - and help me teach my children how to do chores.

So, I began making my bed. And 14 days later, I think it's become a habit. Maybe? This morning I didn't want to make the bed. You know...taking the 45 seconds out of my morning and applying my sheet nazi skills is apparently difficult to do? Maybe it's not a habit until I don't even notice I'm doing it. Maybe not. Maybe it will never be something I want to do.

But, I hate to admit this...it's nice to crawl into a made bed every night. When company comes over I'm not embarrassed to keep our bedroom door open. I don't have to rush to throw things together if someone has to use the bathroom in my room. And the made bed kind of makes the other messes look more messy, so by default I've been picking those up to.

So, today I celebrate two weeks of having a made bed. Something small that represents something so big.

To celebrate, I might just finish folding the load of laundry that has been sitting on top the the dryer for four days.

I know, I know ... I'm an overachiever.

Now Let's Never Mention That Again

2011-05-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

The other day while we were at the park, my four year old daughter looked up at me and, very seriously, asked me, "Mom...why aren't people staring at me and telling me that I am a beautiful princess?"

I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the floor.

Then I remembered she'd spent the last three days in the dress she wore in my brother's wedding in October, the dress she wore in my other brother's wedding a few weeks ago, and her Christmas dress. She has been covered in more tulle, sparkles and satin than is normal and had been receiving comments everywhere we went about being a Princess.

By golly, that day she was only wearing a plain ol' little brown sun dress.

And people had the audacity to not stare and comment.

In that moment I saw every insecurity I have as a woman in my sweet little daughter. I know how desperate I am for approval, how much I want to be noticed. It seems so silly that after 31 years of life and 10 years of marriage I still need affirmations from those around me.

"See? I've lost five pounds!"
"Did you notice my new jeans?"
"I got a new hair cut!"
"Well...yeah, I've been working out a little."

The thing is, I get approval all the time. My husband never ceases to let a day go by without telling me a) how beautiful I am to him b) what a good mother I am c) what a good cook I am and d) how much he loves me. My children are a little less obvious with their affections but still, they affirm me. I get the morning snuggles, they need me to kiss their owies to make them better, they come to me when something is wrong...and I get unsolicited "I love you's" from them. I am affirmed by them every single day.

More than that...I know how much I am valued by God. There are countless Bible verses telling me how much He cares for me and beyond those, I have seen Him answer my prayers, felt Him touch me and heard Him speak to my heart. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am loved, cherished and wanted by Him.

Still and yet ... I look to others to affirm me.

I think this is a constant struggle, not just for me, but for women everywhere. And I hate, passionately, that this struggle is already beginning to manifest itself in my daughter.

What to do?

First, I reminded Brooklyn how much her Daddy and I love her. I reminded her that Daddy says she is pretty and the most beautiful little girl he knows. Remember?
"Yes. Daddy says I'm his favorite little girl."
Then I reminded her how much God loves her.
"Yes. Jesus loves me."
Isn't that enough?
She looked at me and smiled and said, "Yes. It is enough."

And you know what? It was enough for her! She didn't sit by me and say, "Are you sure? Are you sure you think I'm a beautiful princess? Are you sure God thinks I'm a beautiful princess? I don't know...my hair is kind of messy today. I still have peanut butter smeared across my cheek from lunch. I did smash some food on the front of my dress. Are you sure I look ok, Mom?"

She never mentioned it again.

I want to be like that.

I want to be like my daughter. When insecurity rears up and makes me question myself, my ability or my worth, I want to be able to say to God, and my husband, "You are enough."

And never mention it again.

It's the little things

2011-04-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

Life is busy right now. It's a good busy. Sometimes I feel a little crazed, but overall, I feel like it isn't so bad. We are finally getting the hang of homeschooling (I think?), my photography business is picking up after the winter slump, my last sibling was just married off, we got a puppy (oh geez), we are finally trying to finishe the living room remodel we began forever ago ... it's a very fulfilling kind of busy, but busy nontheless.

So, in my busy moment today, I was growing frustrated and took a moment to breathe...

And out of the corner of my eye ...

I can't help but wonder how long those little guys have been hanging there? Have I been closing the blinds every night without even noticing? Did it just happen this morning? Have I really been that busy?

This reminds me...it is spring (despite the freak snow showers we've been getting) which means, it is time for spring cleaning. And oh my goodness...my windows are embarrassingly dirty. One more thing to add to my busy list.

I kind of like the army men though. I wonder if I can clean around them.

Ahoy Matey!

2011-03-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

My boys are slightly (read: totally) obsessed with anything pirate right now, so when I received an email from Charles over at Costume Discounters I was totally excited to see that they had plenty of pirate costumes in stock. Judah's birthday is next month and the offer to choose a costume to review couldn't have come at a better time.

Up until now our costumes have consisted mostly of hand-me-down's and 75% off clearance racks at Target. Yeah, yeah...big spenders over here. Those costumes have lasted a decent amount of time, and are ok, but the material is thin and cheap and they aren't very good for outdoors. Yes...I let the kids wear their costumes outdoors. You don't think Darth Vader and Optimus Prime can be restricted to the confines of our house do you? I assure you...they cannot. If the costumes get snagged or pulled on they tend to come apart pretty easily. I'm just glad my kids are more gentle on their costumes than they are on their regular clothes!

Judah and I sat at the computer forever (these decisions are important when it comes to what one will be wearing at one's own sixth birthday...right?!) and he finally settled on the Swashbuckler Pirate Costume from the boy's costume section. I expected that, as with Target and Wal-Mart, it would arrive in a flimsy plastic bag, if anything at all. I was shocked when it showed up in a garment bag. Seriously? I don't think I've ever purchased anything that required a garment bag...except my wedding dress. (side note: I need to go shopping more.) I pulled the costume out and it was so velvety soft I literally rubbed it on my cheek. Yeah...that sounds weird. I also sniff the clean laundry when I fold it. I guess the sensory stuff is important to me? There is nothing scratchy on this costume! Not only that, the stitching is strong and the fabric is thick. Even though Judah will be wearing this for his spring birthday, he'll also be wearing it the rest of the year for play. This thing will still be around when Simeon is his age!

The only disappointment was the little boot covers. The strap snapped when Judah put them on the first time. It's not a big deal, as the covers stay on without it (and I suppose I could break out the ol' sewing kit to do a stitch or two...heh heh.) but Judah was sad it broke right off the bat.

I am more than happy with this costume. I don't like spending a lot of money on things like costumes because a) my kids ruin them and b) shouldn't I know how to make this kind of stuff? Isn't that what homeschooling stay-at-home mom's do? Please say no.

When Mike came home from work and Judah modeled the costume for him he suggested we start buying our costumes from Costume Discounters. The prices are very reasonable and honestly, the quality can't be matched by the discount department stores.

So he's not wearing the rest of the costume, but he was wearing the hat. Please notice the very piraty "ARRGH" expression.

I'm sure it's obvious that I did this review in exchange for a free costume. I like me some freebies. However, in all honesty, I'm glad we tried it out. We would truly purchase from this company when we have a costume need. I like having stuff around that can handle the wear and tear that four children can dish out and this costume is made to last.

St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

As any good American with Irish heritage will be doing today, I will be eating corned beef and cabbage for dinner and, of course, wearing green. I seriously look forward to corned beef all year long.

In the name of homeschooling (and knowledge) I decided I should look into who St. Patrick even was and why he is celebrated. The story, for those who don't know, is pretty awesome. Basically he was captured and sold into slavery in Ireland, finally escaped, but went back years later as a missionary to the same place he had been enslaved. I found a great little history HERE if you are interested in the version with actual facts.

While reading his story I was overcome with emotion when I read the words to St. Patrick's Prayer, which
is supposed to have been composed by him in preparation for this victory over Paganism. I'm embarrassed I've never read it before and that, at 31, I'm finally beginning to learn a little bit of history of the Church. I'm just thankful I'm finally taking an interest now, and am even more thankful I came upon this.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God's Power to guide me,
God's Might to uphold me,
God's Wisdom to teach me,
God's Eye to watch over me,
God's Ear to hear me,
God's Word to give me speech,
God's Hand to guide me,
God's Way to lie before me,
God's Shield to shelter me,
God's Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck], (yeah...my kids loved that part.)
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I think, today, I will celebrate those who have gone before me in the faith - those who are strong enough in their faith to do what is unthinkable and terrifying to most everyone else. I will celebrate those who, even today, put their lives on the line for their faith and for Christ. And considering my son wants to be a missionary someday (..."Mom, when I grow up I want to be someone who goes around town talking about Jesus"...) I will start spending some time praying for those who are out there right now...will you join me?

When your dad is a cop ...

2011-03-05T16:59:00.000-08:00

It's been a bit since I've posted, and it's been even longer since I posted anything about being married to a police officer.

But, this afternoon, while wasting time on Facebook (and after having spent the majority of my day reading The Help...) I came across this article, posted by a good cop friend of ours. I just really loved it and wanted to share it with the rest of you.

It's titled When your dad is a cop every police death is personal ...
Although it is written from a son's perspective, I feel like it may as well be titled When your husband is a cop every police death is personal. Because really, it is. Every single time I feel like it could have been my husband and I feel at the same time thankful and guilty that it wasn't.

Good job Travis Mayfield on your well written article.

The Debt Story: Part 12

2011-02-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the lack of details in these last few pieces of our debt story. The truth of the matter is, once we had our momentum going to get the debt paid off, and once Simeon had been born and we'd sold almost everything, things settled down into a paycheck by paycheck process. The details of each of those weeks of waiting has been lost into the abyss everyday life and parenting four children; however, there are a few things I still remember during those last few months and those are what I've chosen to highlight here.

Working to pay off our debt had been an exhausting process. With every paycheck we paid our bills and put the rest toward our credit card. Watching the balance slowly melt away every month felt empowering and gave us the momentum we needed to keep moving forward. Even though the sacrifices were difficult, we felt rewarded at every turn. In a sour economy Mike was given raises. When people were watching their livelihoods fall apart, losing their homes and their belongings, we were feeling the freedom of financial fear slipping away. Seeing God bless us in a financial way was almost overwhelming and there were times we felt a kind of guilt for being blessed.
Between paying off our credit card and paying off our car there was really a lull in life. Each paycheck came in and the money went right back out. We were able to keep our emergency savings account at $1000 and somehow managed to live well below our means.
We preached getting out of debt as if our lives depended on it. We sold so much people were afraid to give us anything. Once, Mike's brother complained that he was worried to lend Mike a t-shirt for fear that we would try to sell it on Craigslist. Our own children cried and begged us not sell our television when my brother-in-law (who was working for the cable company at that time) came over to help Mike with some internet issues. We feared we would scar them for life. My mother even felt inclined to remind me that "salvation is not in [your] finances."

Admittedly, we were obnoxious to be around.

When we began to tire of the process, when I wanted to go out for dinner, when Mike wanted to buy something for the house, when I grew tired of carrying a calculatter around the grocery store we reminded each other of where we'd been. We remembered not being able to buy groceries without using the credit card, we remembered Mike having to work overtime just to pay the bills ... when we remembered where we had been and the goal that lay ahead, our energy became renewed and our resolve was refreshed and we were able to keep going.

In the beginning of our journey, when we decided we were not able to tithe and would have to give from any excess, we were surprised to see there was always excess for us to tithe from. Our lawn turned brown, the gravel in the driveway became spotty and I spent a lot of time at home with the children but one day ... one day we made a payment and our credit card was paid off. It had taken us less than 6 months to pay off over $12,000. In an unbelievable fit of happiness and joy I made our final payment and Mike called to cancel the card forever. And then we began working on paying off the car.

Making the final credit card payment..I can't help but remember selling this computer cabinet to help pay off the car!

First it was an additional $570...then another $430... every once in awhile we made a payment of $20 or less towards the principle balance. I remember wondering where all the money was coming from? How is that we could live so many years depending on a credit card to get us through, and now money was pouring in above and beyond what we needed. Literally so much more money that we were going to pay off our credit card AND our car within less than one year of each other?

On July 20, 2009, two days before Mike's birthday...we made the final payment on our car. We were able to make a payment of $1013.20 and we were out of debt completely. I felt completely overwhelmed with emotion and unable to process what we had just accomplished. My heart felt light and happy and I could not stop smiling. Mike was working that day but the kids and I kept yelling "We're debt free!". I felt like I was walking taller and lighter...it was a feeling I find very difficult to describe.

Two years earlier we'd gone to Outback for Mike's birthday dinner. We'd invited some friends to come with us and decided we should pick up the tab - we, of course, had no money so we'd put everything on our credit card. After dinner I took Mike by Best Buy for him to pick out the iPod he'd had his eye on. Again, we put the purchase on our credit card.

Now, after having made a payment of over $1000, we went back to the Outback to celebrate again ...

We paid cash. And regardless of paying on credit or with cash...the food there still stinks.

To be continued...

Mommy's Busy ...

2011-02-16T15:46:00.000-08:00

My sweet cousin started a Mommy's Prayer Group on Facebook. My cousin, Jessica...she's amazing. She has a really awesome story and when I look at her I see this happily married mother of two adorable girls and I can see visual tangible evidence of a God who loves and cares for us. I love that every good thing in her life she says is from God and that all the trials led her closer to God. She's truly an amazing woman.

So, this Mommy's Prayer Group...I ignored the invite for a few days until I noticed some of my other friends were posting stuff so I finally gave it a look. The reason I ignored it is two-fold. First, I don't really want to join another 'Mommy Group'. I just don't. I have a bad attitude and I need to let it go.

Secondly, I'm not sure I want to open up to these women.

I have major pride issues. This all started in infancy (my infancy, that is) and has only festered and grown the older I get. After having children it pretty much blew up and out of control. People would say things to me like, "Wow! How do you get out of the house with four kids? I can hardly do it with one!" and I would think, "Because I'm awesome." Or they would say, "Your baby sleeps through the night? That's amazing!" and I would think, "Yeah, I know." Or they would say, "Your kids are so well behaved! Good job!" and I would think, "Hell ya."

The other day a woman said, "You have four kids AND you homeschool? You must be a saint!" Outwardly I smiled but what I thought was, "Doing this thing...this mothering and homeschooling thing...it is going to kill me. It may literally kill me. So if that's what it takes to make one a saint then I suppose I am." The reality of it is, every time I get a compliment I think, "If you only knew. If you only knew how they cried as we were trying to get out of the house and how I sobbed for ten minutes in the parking lot. If you only knew the amount of nights my other kids weren't sleeping and how sleep deprived I really am. If you only knew that my son just threw a fan at my head (true story) and that I drank three glasses of wine in order to cope with it."

If they only knew.

My problem has been (and often, still is) that I don't want them to know.

How do I tell them that being a mother is the fulfillment of every dream I had as a child? But sometimes, I feel like being a mom is a living nightmare?

How do I explain to them that I would give my life for my kids? But at times, I feel like they are stealing the life right out of me?

How do I explain that I love the sound of when they say, "I love you Mommy!" but they tell me they love me in order to get a bite of my food or out of going to bed and I doubt they really love me at all?

How do I tell them that today, for the first time in over two weeks, I cleaned the bathrooms and mopped the floor? And I really half-assed it, because I didn't want to bend over to clean out the tubs. And then I double half-assed it because I only cleaned the kid's bathroom because I don't have the energy to clean mine.

Will they find me cruel if I admit that I wait until the kids are in bed to eat dessert because I'm so sick of having to share?

Would they understand that I love homeschooling but at the same time think it would be so nice for the kids to be gone all day so I could have some time alone?

Will they forgive me if some days the only reason I am excited for Mike to come home from work is because the kids will have someone besides me to talk to?

Would they still want me to pray for them if they know I spent half the day hiding in the bathroom so I could hear myself think?

Will they think less of me if they know that I totally blew it and instead of kissing my daughter's owie screamed at her not to be so clumsy and to JUST LISTEN to me for once?

If they know the real me, the me with faults, the me with struggles, the me with issues...the me, that sometimes, doesn't like being a mom at all...will they still let me be a part of their group?

I guess my answer is, I'm not sure. Maybe they won't. Perhaps they will snub their noses at me and think (as I have often done) that they would never behave as I have.

Or maybe...

There's a chance that I'm the reason that Jessica decided creating a prayer group for moms was a good idea. Not me precisely, but me as in, other mothers like me. Maybe, just maybe, one of the other moms yelled at her kids this morning too. Perhaps there's another mom out there who hasn't cleaned her tubs in a couple of weeks. There may even be a mom or two who don't really like being a mom every minute of every day. I wonder if there's a mom out there who's already had a glass of wine today?

So, ladies...this is me. My children, ages 7 1/2, almost 6, 4 and 2 1/2, are the greatest gifts God has given to my husband and me. As my friend Kimberly so succinctly put it, no one else in this world can melt my heart and make my blood boil in the same instant.

I'm a mothering mess and I'm pretty sure, if you're still reading, you know how to pray for me.

It's nice to meet you.

The obligatory Valentine post

2011-02-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

Although Mike and I have never made a very big day out of Valentine's Day, since the kids have come around we've started doing little things we think they will enjoy. It's not that I don't like Valentine's Day - I really do. It's just that we celebrate our anniversary right before it and we generally put quite a bit of energy (and money) into that. By the time Valentine's Day rolls around our wallets are fairly skinny.

The kids though - they get left out of the whole anniversary deal (doy) - so we make Valentine's a little more about them. This morning Mike made them heart shaped pancakes and bought each of them little heart shaped boxes of chocolates. They were thrilled! I'd also bought them some off brand croc's that were on clearance at Target - they'd been begging for some forever and for $3? How could I not?

Mike surprised me and had a huge bouquet of flowers waiting when I woke up (after letting me sleep in!) as well as some mango nectar. I found an awesome recipe for mango margaritas to make for me and my sister-in-law during the SuperBowl but I could not find the stinking mango nectar! He knows what makes me smile.

The kids sure love being spoiled and ... so do I. My kids pick up on that. All week Lincoln has been bringing me 'secret' Valentine's. And this morning, after breakfast, Brooklyn handed me her box of chocolate.

"Mommy," she said, "this is for you." She gave it to me with a huge smile and a giant bear hug.

"Are you sure?" I asked. They were actually hers, after all.

"I'm sure Mommy. Happy Valentimes. I love you."

And then I opened this ...

A Random Sprinkling of Vacation-missing Thoughts

2011-02-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

Wanna see something?

The other thing I wanted to show you was this ...

Actually, that's not really it either but since most of the country is covered in snow and ice I thought a gorgeous tropical sunset might make you smile.

Also, even though the sun is shining and we finally have a break from the rain, I cannot, for the life of me, get warm. I stand in front of the oven, in front of the fireplace, drink tea ... nothing helps. Not even the extra 6 pounds (gulp) I gained during our trip is able to keep me warm. But the memories...oh the memories...at least my heart is warm.

This is what I really wanted to show you. It's the painting Mike bought me while we were in Lahaina. The people we rented from are amazing artists and every night we came sauntering back up to the house they would be out on their porch painting away. Steph was working on this one when we arrived and I fell in love with it right away. There's just something about it that spoke to me ... I feel like it encapsulates my life so well. Steph, and her hubby Auggie, have a whole collection of amazing pieces they have worked on individually and together. Their son also paints, amazingly well, and they display most of it for everyone to see.

There were quite a few pieces I loved.

The pictures I took don't do the paintings justice. (Kind of on purpose since selling their art is their livlihood and I don't want anyone to cheat and just copy...not that any of you would.) If you are ever in Maui you have to stop by their little studio in Lahaina and check out what they have to offer. And if you aren't ever going to Maui, then I feel really sorry for you. Heh heh. They have a website you can look at and peruse...even if you can't buy right now, it's worth a look.

All of that to say ... I finally have an original piece of artwork that I cannot wait to display in my home.

I took this picture the first hour we were there. I wanted to capture the warmth and water so I would never forget. If I stand in front of the oven and look at this picture my legs start to defrost.

A little.

My MP Designs

2011-02-07T22:07:00.000-08:00

This post is looooong overdue!

My dear wonderful friend Melissa who has helped me and guided me along on this whole internet adventure has finally (I only say finally because she should have started doing this on a professional level long ago!) begun her business designing websites, logos, watermarks, etc. You name it, if it has to do with making a website look amazing, she can do it. (Not to mention, she's also a homeschooling mother of four so I'm pretty sure she can do just about anything anyway!) Since I began blogging she has helped me out with my blog headers and designs and she was the first person I went to when I decided that it was time to take my photography business live.

She is genuinly talented and I encourage you to check her out at My MP Designs.

Home Again

2011-02-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

Ten years ago today, I married the man of my dreams. I so love him and spending 8 days with him, completely alone, affirmed that he is indeed, my most favorite person of them all. God willing I will never tire of waking up and looking at his face.

Getting home from vacation on the actual day of our anniversary was a good decision. It's as if we've come home and been reminded of the wonderful life we've made together and being with our kids after an 8 day absence has made us appreciate the gifts that they are even more.

I missed this.

I even missed this.

And this ...

is a replica of our wedding cake. We're eating it for dessert tonight!

(Mike says we'll eat it for dinner. Ha!)

Every detail is the same as the original...even the roses on top.

Thank you Patty. You are wonderful. :)

I have lots to say about our trip. I have many posts that I began and never posted, mostly because I was busy doing things like going to the beach and taking long naps. I'll finish those up soon, though.

For now, I'm going to enjoy my husband and the pitter patter (...crash, bang, scream) of little flip-flop clad feet running around our house.

Church

2011-01-25T09:22:00.000-08:00

Do you like church?

I do. I really like church. I like walking into a building designed specifically for teaching me about and worshipping God. I like worship music. I sing loud and raise my hands and bounce on my toes if the beat is just right. I like seeing people I know and I like reading my Bible. I like praying and being prayed for and I like getting my children to a place each week where they are being taught about God and what He has done. I really really like church.

For all of its mistakes, for all of the hypocrites, for all of its shortcomings - I genuinly love church.

And yet ...

We haven't been to church for awhile. A long while. It's just a struggle to make it there. With Mike working every other Sunday, and us having only one car, it seemed that slowly and steadily we began attending church less and less. For a long while I made the effort to take Mike to work, bring the kids home to get dressed, and then get to church. It was a difficult process; there was only an hour turn around time before Mike had to be at work and church began. It was a constant rush and more times than not by the time we got to church I was frazzled, angry, and sweaty. I would spend the first 45 minutes of service calming down and the next 45 feeling guilty about how I treated my kids that morning. Then service was over and even though I'd been there I hadn't actually been present. When the fall came around and my kids started sleeping longer I gave up on driving Mike to work. It had been stressful when the kids were up early, but once they began sleeping longer it was enough to make me cry and I gave up. That left only two Sundays each month that we could attend church and some days someone was sick, or we overslept or we just needed a day to stay home. Before we knew it, we hadn't been in almost two months.

When we haven't been to chruch in awhile, it feels good to walk in and have someone say, "Hey! We haven't seen you in awhile!". When that happens I feel like I have been missed, that people care about me. In fact, in the couple of months we missed church, I received a few emails and some phone calls from people just to see if we were ok. It was difficult to say that we were mostly being lazy and that everything really is fine ...
Saturday night we were visiting with some good friends who had taken a break from church for awhile. After a few months they decided to start attending again and we were talking to them about how we hadn't been for awhile, either. We also talked about the big hullabaloo that was caused last week while the Seahawks played their final playoff game. One large church in our area canceled Sunday morning services and had a football party instead and we discussed the 'controversy' (which was highly overrated in my opinion) over it. Then I said something that made me sound like a really shallow Christian.

"I've missed church for much less than football. In fact, my kids are filthy and the boys need haircuts. I highly doubt we'll be at church again this week."

I hate even typing that out to admit to the world.

Sunday morning Mike woke up early and made coffee ... and then told the kids to get dressed because we were going to church. And for the first time in almost two months we went. And when I took Judah to Sunday School and his teacher said, "Judah! Where have you been? We've missed you!" it felt like coming home after a long absence. And when Judah replied, "We've been sleeping!!" I felt like a total loser...{sigh}.

Mike told me later that he felt that it was his job to make sure our family gets to church and he apologized for not getting us there. I didn't need him to apologize, after all, I've enjoyed the benefits of sleeping in. But it did feel good to have him acknowledge what his role in our home is. And, for the record, I don't think going to church makes one a good Christian. But, for me, not going to church makes me a lazy Christian, and honestly, that's not something I want to be known for.

So, my question for you is ...

Do you go to church? If not, why? What is your biggest obstacle in getting to church?

A little more for the record...I've had bad experiences in church too. Really. Really. Bad. And I've known hypocrites and I've been a hypocrite and my pastor has really upset me and my friends have been hurt and things are said that I don't agree with and CHURCH IS NOT PERFECT. Sometimes it's downright terrible. So, I don't want you to think that I live in this la-la land place where I think church is the perfect representation of Christ. Yikes. But, like I said earlier, there is something beautiful about people who genuinly want to follow Christ meeting together and trying to make it work, and making the effort to look past the 'humanity' of it all has made church a much more enjoyable experience for me.

The Wedding

2011-01-14T17:27:00.000-08:00

As Mike and I approach our tenth anniversary, I find myself being very nostalgic. It happens to me every year, but this year especially since reaching the double digits is such a huge milestone. Throughout the years Mike and I have talked about the early days of our relationship and it always always makes us smile and laugh. Speaking of laughing, I found a picture of myself while we were dating, wearing clogs and overalls. Wow. How could he keep his hands off of me? Eek.
In spite of my poor fashion sense during that time (er...I'm wearing sweats, fuzzy socks and a hoodie as I type this) Mike couldn't seem to get enough of me and now, ten years later, he still hasn't grown tired of me. I love it.
So, in my nostalgia, I'm posting some pictures from our wedding. I'm sure you won't watch it over and over as I have been doing ... but I hope you enjoy it.

Worthless

2011-01-11T15:22:00.000-08:00

I'm worthless. Totally, completely 100% worthless.
My mind has been consumed by one thing and it has rendered me utterly useless.

photo credit

This is all I see. This is all I am focused on. (That's Maui...in case you didn't know.)

Mike and I are going for our tenth anniversary.
*Side Note: I can't believe we've been married for ten years. We were just kids when we said our vows! Not that we're much different now...I'm just a little stretchier and saggier. Viva la stretch mark!

You know what my plan is while we're gone?
Nothing. I plan on nothing.

I plan on doing nothing so much I've kind of already begun my whole "do nothing" regime. A little premature, to be sure, since our flight doesn't leave for another 346.5 hours or so, but I like to be prepared. It's been awhile since I've done nothing and I want to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind. It's very important to be prepared.

My poor children. So neglected.
My poor house. So dirty.
My poor laundry. So unfolded.
My poor...poor...
What was I talking about?
I was thinking about waking up to the sound of the ocean outside my door and lost my train of thought.

Send help. Or send me to Maui. Either will do.

A Day Late

2011-01-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

Friday morning after Mike left for work he gave me a call.
"Hey...do you want to drive me into work tomorrow? Do you need the car?"
"Eh...I don't know. I don't really think I want to go anywhere."
"Really? You didn't want to spend New Year's Day with your parents?"
"Uh...is today New Year's Eve?"

What happened to this year?!

It seems like it just disappeared - which is so cliche to say but honestly, where did it go?

I have to admit I'm glad I spent some time blogging this year as I can look back and remember what the year held for us. Also, our external hard drive crashed a bit ago and if it weren't for dear old Google I would no longer have access to our year in pictures. Thank you Google. It is also fun to look back and see how my blog has evolved from focusing primarily on being married to a police officer and shifting to about just being married and being a mom. I feel more comfortable as a blogger, more like I've found my true voice. Here you can see some of my favorite posts of the last year.

In the last few years I have started the habit of making "Looking Forward To..." lists as opposed to "Resolution" lists. First, it makes me feel excited about what I put on the list, and second, if I don't get around to it, I don't feel like a failure. So here goes!

* I look forward to potty training my baby. Along the same lines, have you ever read the book by Karen Kingsbury, Let Me Hold You Longer? Get our your Kleenex.
* I look forward to enhancing my skills as a photographer and continuing to grow my hobby into a business.
* I look forward, immeasurably, to celebrating ten years of marriage.
* I look forward to spending less time on the computer.
* I look forward to establishing a routine and philosophy for homeschooling that works well with my family.
* I look forward to beginning a morning routine that gives me a good start to my day. Namely, exercising regularly, reading my Bible, and having a few minutes of quiet before everyone else is up.
* I look forward to getting a dog. A teeny tiny dog.
* I look forward to finally finishing the paint in the living room, bedrooms, and kitchen. Ok...I look forward to finishing the majority of projects we've begun over the last eight years we've lived in this house.
* I really truly look forward to everything this year has in store. There is so much uncertain and so much Mike and I have been talking about; what will this year hold for us? Often I find myself nervous and worried about the unknown, which is, just about everything. But I find myself even more excited to see how God is going to come through for us, how He is going to lead us, and how everything is going to come together. I am even looking forward to how He is going to stretch me and grow me - and yes, I realize that's a scary thing to say. I just know that with what He has taught me about Himself this year, I am unafraid of challenges and trials because I know He is leading me through them and orchestrating it all.

So, 2011...bring it on! I'm excited to meet ya!

May...or may not

2010-12-30T10:51:00.000-08:00

Today I'm not feeling very well.

You know what that means, right?

Yes...it means fettuccine alfredo is absolutely necessary for my survival. I wish it weren't so. Alas, it is. I'll be adding some pesto - you know, because I need the extra veggie content since I'm sick and all. Garlic and basil are really good for you. Really really reeeeeeeeeeally good.

I may or may not be forced to use my new pasta rolling pin to make noodles.

I may or may not be forced to lay on the couch and eat bowl after bowl while finishing Season Two of Arrested Development on Netflix.

Poor me. Poor poor me.

Oh by gosh by golly...

2010-12-27T09:02:00.000-08:00

A few days ago my dear friend Momma K9 sent me a text that simply read "Bluuuuuuuuuurp. The sound of my thighs expanding."

Can I get an amen or what? Seriously...the food.

We spent all of Christmas Eve with Mike's side of the family. The day began with a peppermint mocha, almond scones, breakfast casserole, and gingerbread pancakes with homemade syrup (also known as maple flavored fat, or, heaven in a bottle). Dinner was a combination of carne asada tacos, homemade refried beans, Mexican coleslaw, fresh corn tortillas, Jamaican patties, curried chicken with peas and rice and too many cookies to remember. I found myself wishing for my leggings and regretting my choice of size 4 jeans.

Christmas day began with cinnamon rolls and candy from the stocking. I know it may be weird, but we're all about health around here. Or...not. After my third truffle of the morning I decided my size 4 jeans mistake would not be repeated and I grabbed my elastic waist leggings. Best. Purchase. Ever. After gifts we went to my parent's house where we dove into the jalepeno artichoke dip, and the seafood dip. And a few more cookies. My sister showed up with hummus and vegetables so I decided to eat a little more healthy and in between bites of almond rocha and sips of hot buttered rum I would eat a cucumber slice. For dinner my dad did up an awesome prime rib roast, potatoes from the garden, 7-layer salad (as requested by Lincoln), and...a crab pot. Oh yes. Prawns, clams, crab, red potatoes and corn on the cob all in one delicious place...with butter for dipping. Of course. My sister-in-law made an amazing trifle for dessert.

On Boxing Day we once again went to my folks for turkey, more potatoes, more salad, loads of gravy and green beans with bacon. And leftover trifle. You can't let dessert go to waste...it's kind of a commandment.

And that's just Christmas weekend. I won't even divulge the kind of food that I put into my body in the weeks leading up to Christmas time.

So, this morning, bright and early, I spent some quality time with Jillian Michaels. I'm hopeful she can help undo what Christmas eating has done.

And if not? Well...I'll maintain that every bite was totally worth it.

(Will you remind me I said that in a few weeks when I'm trying to squeeze into my bathing suit for our trip to Maui?)

Chocolate covered Peanut butter bacon balls. Just one (of many) things I ingested in December. Pretty much, if you want to be a hero to everyone you know, you will make these. Recipe to follow soon!

I Celebrate the Day

2010-12-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

Ah...Christmas. The most glorious wonderful commercialized time of year.

You know what I really started thinking about this year? The Christmas carol Little Drummer Boy. I really started listening to the words and I started to get a little annoyed. Who, who in their right mind would invite a drumming kid into a birthing suite? As if poor Mary wasn't miserable enough to have given birth amongst lambs and goats and cows and pigs and all the glorious mess that they produce...someone felt the need to ask a kid to come play a stinking drum? Are you kidding me? Mary nodded, pa-rum-pa-pa-pum...Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure she would have drop kicked that kid if he tried playing a drum near her newborn baby while she was trying to recover and attempting to figure out how to get her baby to latch on. Seriously...who writes this stuff?

Regardless of my newfound distaste for the Little Drummer Boy and whoever invited him into the stable that night, I really do love Christmas. We have a few traditions we've worked on establishing in our little family - I really hope they carry through with us each year.

* Gifts - Each child gets three of them. We are actually just starting this one. Last year a friend of mine told me they get each of their children three gifts because that is how many gifts the Wisemen brought to Jesus. I loved the correlation and this year we adopted it. Limiting ourselves to three gifts has helped us to reign in our spending, especially since, with young children, they usually open one gift and are so enthralled with it they could care less about the other gifts. There was one year, a few years back, that they had so many gifts some gifts weren't completely unwrapped before they moved onto the next gift. I'm pretty sure that kind of excess isn't really going to help the character building. We also know that as they get older the gifts will get more expensive ... it will be nice for the kids to know they are limited in their wish list.

*Santa - we've gone back and forth on Santa but finally settled on Santa fills the kids stockings. Our main reason for this is, if our kids get a gift that totally knocks their socks off, I don't want to be giving credit to some strange fictional character. I also don't want our kids experiencing the disappointment of finding out Santa isn't real. So, although we talk about Santa filling their stockings, and leave him egg nog and donuts every year, we don't try to shelter our children from knowing the truth. There is something really fun about the magic and mystery of Santa though, so we didn't want to do away with him completely.

* Chinese Food - The last few years we have celebrated Christmas a few days early. This started one year when Mike was working Christmas day, but we've carried it on even though he's been home. It's been nice for the kids to open their gifts without the stress of having to get anywhere. Then we usually do something fun - a movie or the Children's Museum - and we end up at the local Chinese restaurant for dinner. The kids always always want fried rice and egg drop soup. Then we drive around and look at lights and finally head home and have ice cream. It's been so much fun creating our own little tradition. This year the kids will open gifts on Christmas morning since we don't have to be anywhere until later in the day and Mike is off, but he is off in the days leading up to Christmas as well, so we will still do something really fun and end up with Chinese food, lights and ice cream.

That's pretty much it. I would like to start a cookie making or gingerbread house making tradition - but that would require forethought and planning. I would also like to start making gifts for our families but again...the whole preplanning things seems elusive.

Anyway, there is a real possibility I won't be posting again until after Christmas and so ...

Merry Christmas! I pray your Holiday is filled with family, laughter and love and most importantly the remembrance of what we are really celebrating - the birth of the Savior who was born to die so we might live. I'll leave you with my favorite Christmas tune of all times and the pictures we sent out on our Christmas cards this year. Merry Christmas!!

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might [ really ]live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

Before and (Very Happily) After

2010-12-13T15:10:00.000-08:00

Our second son, Judah, has always been our sickly child. Thankfully, sickly for our family isn't really very sickly ... but still, we've had some struggles.

Without boring you will all the details (of which there are many) I will tell you that when he turned three Mike and I could hardly understand what he was saying and that people outside our home never could understand him. When I brought these concerns to our then pediatrician, we were told, without having ever heard Judah speak, that we didn't need to worry about it until he was closer to Kindergarten age.

That didn't sit well with us and we began looking for a new doctor for our kids. While we looked we took Judah to our school district to have him evaluated. They were more helpful, and affirmed that he did have some speech issues, however he scored an 81% on his evaluation and in order to qualify for services he needed to score lower than 78%. I felt stuck - I didn't know how to be an advocate for my son. While Mike was more relaxed about it and hopeful that Judah would grow out of his poor speech patterns, I was increasingly concerned that they would only get worse as he got older and by the time he was in Kindergarten he would be behind before he even started. It took awhile but we found a new pediatrician and when we went in for our first meeting and I asked about Judah he looked me square in the eye and asked,
"Do you think there's an issue?"
"Yes," I said. "I know they said he should be fine, but I really do feel like there's an issue."
"Good enough for me," he replied. "In my years as a doctor I've learned that mom's know a lot more than they are often given credit for. Find a speech therapist and I'll send my referral."
I felt so affirmed as a mom! It felt so good to be listened to and trusted that I did know what was best for my son.
We found a speech therapist not far from our home and while she was doing Judah's evaluation she asked me to look at Judah's mouth. "Notice," she said, "how when he talks his tongue doesn't move? Do you see that he's using his jaw to move his tongue around? That would be the reason for the 'lazy' speech you hear."
"Is that something he would grow out of?" I asked.
She looked at me wide eyed. "No," she replied. "That's something he'll have to work hard to stop doing." Once again, affirmed in the knowledge that I knew my son and what was and was not normal for him, we set ourselves up on a speech plan.
Judah was in speech for nearly a year when his therapist called me into her office before the session and asked me to watch this video of a student using a new device called a palatometer. I (not surprisingly if you know me) burst into tears. Judah's speech had indeed improved since he'd been in therapy, but it was a very slow process. Seeing the video gave me so much hope that Judah wouldn't need to spend years in therapy; that we may only have months left. Without even knowing if our insurance would cover the new device I asked our therapist to sign us up. The video gave me so much hope I didn't care if we had to pay out of pocket; I just knew that it was what we needed.

Since the spring time, Judah has been using the palatometer for his speech therapy sessions. Even with our sporadic schedule, the improvement has been immense. We only have one car, and Brooklyn has also needed some speech help, si there have been some months when Judah was only able to get one therapy session in. And still, he is talking clearly. It seemed to start slowly, but suddenly, people have been having conversations with Judah. And those same people have been saying, "Wow...I understood every word he said."

I wanted to share these Before and After videos his therapist took of him. I am beyond proud of the strides he's made and am so thankful that we were led to his current therapist. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to embed these videos directly into the post so (sorry!) you'll have to check out the speech therapist's website but take a look! Especially if you know someone who's child is having speech difficulty, they need to know about a palatometer and how it can help.

See Judah's Before and After Videos

The Debt Stuff

2010-12-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

Ahem.

So, it's been awhile since I've written on our debt story. Honestly, I shouldn't openly admit this, but I grew tired of writing it. That, and there was just a lot of waiting between paying off our credit card and paying off our car. It was month after month of tight budgeting, not going out to eat, not really doing anything fun ... on and on. It went by quickly though so it is difficult for me to sit down and remember every detail.

However (ah...thank God for however's!) I received this email yesterday from an old friend and it made. my. day. In fact, I cried for a bit when I read it, and when I re-read it to Mike later, I cried again. Not only did the email make my heart very very happy, but it also affirmed me as a friend and encouraged me to continue to stay on our debt free path (which can, admittedly, become tiresome sometimes) and to continue writing our story.

I thought I would write another chapter in the debt free saga but my daughter just vomited over the entire living room and so ... I'll leave you with the email I received. But soon, like, a few days soon, I'll continue the debt free story.

(Oh...and for a little history on this friend of mine, her youngest son was recently diagnosed with DMD (Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy) and she is pregnant with her sixth child! She's pretty amazing to begin with but this email put it over the top for me...)

Hey Genesis,
It's been a while since we've talked but I wanted to thank you for something.
It was a long time ago, right after Simeon was born, I came to visit. (which by the way, we need to do again, it's been tooo long).
We talked about babies, Simeon's birth, how you weren't having more babies, etc. But we also talked about $$, bills, paying for stuff, mortgages, credit cards, etc. You were telling me about (I can't think of his name, pregnant brain, right) the financial guy, you read his book about keeping a budget, no credit cards, putting money in envelopes. Anyway after I left I told Tom all about our visit. At the time, I thought there is no way, there is no way that I ever will be able to be debt free.
About a month or so after that, you posted on facebook that you were officially debt free. I was so happy for you an Mike (I hope things are still well??, I know more than anyone that life happens, and things come up, but I hope you've been able to stay debt free).
Well, long story short, I took your advice and decided I was going to try really had to do that too. Then not very many months later (maybe 2 or 3 months) we got Wyatt's medical diagnosis. And so much for debt free. We ended up spending about 7000 to 10,000 dollars out of pocket on medical bills since then. So we were in debt twice what we were when we talked.
But after so many hard decisions, fights with our mortgage company, fights with our medical insurance, fights with our car loan people, almost 15 months since I saw you we are officially debt free (except mortgage, which we got a loan modification and are saving about $1000 a month on our house payment) as of today. No credit card debt, no car loans, medical bills are paid, man does it feel great.
The whole purpose of this email is to thank you. I have a lot of friends who try to give me advice or say you can't be without a credit card, you need one, that's bull! You were my only friend that gave me a solution. As you well know, it's still so hard to live on a budget. EVERYTHING is more expensive, but Tom doesn't make anymore money. We've made huge sacrifices, but haven't had to give up what's truly important....a safe place for our children to live and the best medical care money can buy for Wyatt. I don't know how I can ever thank you enough. You may not know how much you encouraged us to make a change.
We didn't do this for us, we wanted to prove to our kids, that it is truly possible to live with in your means, I hope that in the last year the kids seeing us struggle to get though everything will not only prove to them ANYTHING is possible, but that also that they need to budget when they want things (as adults) and I hope and pray that they don't make the same mistakes we did. This is the first time (other than right after we sold our house when we moved here 3 years ago) in our almost 18 year marriage that we have been debt free. I am a changed person and I hope that my kids will LEARN from my current example, not my mistakes of the past.
Thanks Genesis. You truly made a difference in the lives of 8 people. Our family can never thank you enough.
Merry Xmas and Happy New Year.
I'm honored to call you my friend.
Love, Melissa

I am Momma Bear

2010-12-05T19:23:00.000-08:00

Most of you know I'm the oldest of six children. This information, in and of itself, is pretty boring. Just another tidbit about me. However, being the oldest of six children has ... uh ... shaped me into the woman I am today. I basically grew up feeling like I was their second mother. (Side note: our mom is awesome.) In fact, as we've grown into adults, growing out of being their second mother has been a difficult transition for me. And, I know I joke around about this, but there actually was a time when I saw an actual therapist and he actually told me I had to let go of parenting my siblings; you know, especially since I had my own children that needed their own mother and that my own brothers and sisters were all adults and could take care of themselves ... and also that little detail of our own parents being pretty freaking good at the whole parenting thing.

Still, years after that counseling session, there are times when I find those misplaced mothering tendencies towards my siblings creep back up again. The biggest one I struggle with is bossing. I've even tried bossing my brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law. I'm terrible. I apologize a lot. (Um...at least, I should.)

But the other thing that pops up? My Momma Bear. Like, the big bad grizzly that only tends to come out when someone comes after my own children? Well, she comes out when someone comes after my siblings too.

Which is why, last night, when someone tried posting degrading comments about my baby brothers on my photography blog, I kind of lost it. First, I should say, I will never allow anything about my client's personal lives to be posted on their pictures. Second, I will especially never allow anything hateful or destructive to be said about my client's on my blog. And thirdly, you weasly little anonymous coward, I especially will not allow insensitive, uneducated, misguided comments about my baby brothers and their wives to be posted on my blog. Ever.

I told Mike the things that frustrated me the most:
*I knew the comments were put there to get me riled up and I hated that it worked.
*I knew that the decisions my brothers have made and the paths that led them to where they are, are beautiful stories. It bothered my that they were called into question. I hated that I felt like I needed to defend them; especially since they had done nothing that needed to be defended.
*I was bothered that people were passing judgement on my family; people who don't know all the details, who haven't taken circumstances into account and who don't really even understand the situations.

While I lay in bed last night and pondered how exactly I was going to defend my poor baby brothers and their wives and verbally rip to shreds the person who posted the comments, I had this moment where I heard the Lord ask me, "When did I defend myself?" I thought of the things that had been said about Jesus; the false accusations, the beatings, the questioning and how he never once defended Himself. He didn't need to be defended. He let His accusers say and do what they wanted. Granted, He, being God, had a little more self control than I do and He also knew the whole big picture ... still, I think the lesson is there. Let people say what they will. Don't defend, don't engage in the conversation. Just let the truth speak for itself.

And then I began to think of all the people I have passed judgement on without knowing details. Oh man...sometimes without even wanting to know details. Sometimes, without even knowing them. Sometimes, I try to get all the details and say it's so I won't make a wrong judgement. Wow...how's that for justifying gossip? Once a new mom came to MOPS and was asking how to get her 18 month old to sleep through the night and not in bed with them? Yeah...um, take care of that when he 18 days and it won't be an issue. Later I found out they had adopted him only two months before and he'd been living in a cardboard box before that.

OH. MY. GOSH.

The judgement's I've made against so many people! Without apology, without care, without love. And most notably, without concern for how my words will affect them.

Or those who love them.

So today ... I've felt less harsh toward the person who made those comments. I'm still upset, my Momma Bear still hasn't fallen back to sleep, but I've been reminded of the many Momma Bears who's anger I've ignited with my own callous thoughts and words. I'm thankful for second chances and the opportunities I've been given to apologize for the hurts I've caused. I'm reminded that ~~talking~~ gossiping about others doesn't help them or me; it just hurts. It has kept me from friendships that could have been amazing, it has blocked me from hearing stories that could have changed my life, it has stolen away opportunities for me to show Christ's love.

So, anonymous blog commenter ... I'm sorry you feel the way you do. But thank you for giving me the chance to look inside myself, question my own motives, and learn a little bit.

"As for you, you meant evil against me (and my family), but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result..." Genesis 50:20 (parenthesis mine)

The Assassination

2010-12-01T16:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Lincoln asked me why President Abraham Lincoln had been so disliked. This led to a discussion about slavery and the Emancipation Proclamation. At the end of our discussion Judah said,
"And that's why President Lincoln was shot in the back of the head." Then he paused thoughtfully and asked, "Did he get shot with a regular gun? ... or with a rocket launcher?"

Time4Learning Review

2010-11-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

The opinion expressed here is mine. I'd like to disclose that I have been supported in writing this review by receiving a free month to review the program.

As I've said before, homeschooling has not come to me as naturally as I'd anticipated.
I had visions of very structured mornings - first we'd do our daily devotions, followed by quiet playing for Brooklyn and Simeon while Lincoln read and practiced his handwriting and I taught Judah how to read. Then we would seamlessly transition into handwriting practice for Judah while I went over math lessons with Lincoln. In the meantime the younger kids would be done playing with blocks and would quietly begin putting together Lego castles. After math with Lincoln was finished, we would take a small break for lunch and the two babies would go down for their afternoon naps - without any tears or temper tantrums. The babies would sleep for approximately three hours - during that time I would finish any history and geography lessons, send the boys to their room to read, catch up on my blogs, catch up on my Psych episodes, write a new blog post, finish the laundry, make my own bed and clean the toilets. At 4 pm all my children would emerge from their bedrooms happily and well rested and we would all sing educational tunes while I made dinner. And then Mike would come home and I'd throw my arms around his neck and say, "Oh Darling! Homeschooling is the most fun ever!" and he would twirl me around and we would laugh and the children would fetch his pipe and slippers and we would all gather around his feet while he read us a chapter from The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe.

Then I remembered Mike doesn't have a pipe OR slippers and that my children learned their alphabet by watching Leapfrog videos and that playing quietly is a joke and that naps never never happen unchallenged and I realized ... I'm kind of screwed.

Thankfully, Melissa had told me (on more than one occasion) about Time4Learning and I'm so glad she did. It has saved my butt and made me feel like less of a homeschooling failure. Originally we signed up for Time4Learning as a way to tide us over until we got our act together and came up with an actual plan that was going to work for our family. I was glad for the free month because one of my biggest fears is putting money into something that ends up not working for our family. I've read over and over that most homeschooling families put a lot of money into curriculum that they end up tossing and we just don't have money to be blowing around so anything free grabs my attention. After spending a month with the program, I'm hooked and I feel more than ok spending the $35 each month for my boys to use it.

One thing that I've really enjoyed about T4L is one of the same things I have enjoyed about homeschooling over-all...flexibility. For example, Lincoln has a difficult time with math. It doesn't come easily for him, therefore he hates it. T4L makes math fun. Their lessons are done in a colorful interactive format - instead of listening to someone ramble off facts and tell him what to do, he actively participates during the lesson. T4L even has worksheets that can be printed off that he can do with the lesson. This came in handy the other day as he was having a lot of frustration with one lesson in particular. After two times through the lesson I had him take the quiz. He scored 1 out of 10 correct. I printed of the hand-out and he went through the lesson again, this time writing down and practicing each concept. At the end, when he took the quiz again, he scored 9 out of 10 and was able to tell me what he had done wrong on the one he had missed. (It also helped that I told him he could say the questions out loud to make sure he understood them.) Most of the math lessons also have games as part of their lesson. It's a great way to get the practice in - Lincoln is having fun while also solidifying the concepts he has learned. Tricky tricky! When Lincoln finished his math unit (in this case Number Sense) he is given a comprehensive exam. He scored a 68% so I knew some of the concepts hadn't sunk in. I also realized at that point that he struggles with the terms 'test' and 'quiz'. I had to explain to him that the quizzes and tests are really for me to make sure he understands what he has learned - another great thing about homeschooling is we can go at our own pace and make sure he really understands. He seemed satisfied with that and wasn't as freaked out by the low score. When we went back into the program every aspect he had scored high on was marked with a star that said MASTERED over it, while the areas he scored low on just had a check mark with a COMPLETED over them. We spent the next few days going over lessons in the ones he didn't master and yesterday when he retook the comprehensive exam and scored 100% and he saw a huge star and a MASTERED over everything he'd done, his smile went nearly to his ears. It was good for me too; I knew spending the extra couple of days on the things he didn't totally understand had been worth it.

The curriculum for Judah (Kingergarten) is a little slow, but he seems to be enjoying it. The first lesson is computer basics, teaching how to use a mouse and navigate the website. From there it has moved onto basic Kindergarten stuff. Judah, unlike his brother, seems to enjoy taking quizzes. He tends to rush so he doesn't listen to all of the instructions half the time and misses what he is supposed to be doing, but if there is nothing distracting him he does well.

I like that T4L offers lesson plans. Coming up with a plan has been a huge struggle for me so it has been helpful to have the subjects broken down into lessons. I am able to determine how many lessons I want each child to cover during the week in order for them to be able to move onto the next level. They also have a bunch of online support and parenting forums which have been helpful when I've not know exactly how to go about teaching or helping the boys learn a specific concept.

I'm not sure how long we'll use T4L, but it may end up being our main plan. In addition to math and language arts they also have science and social studies. I usually let Lincoln do those subjects on his own since he finds them to be fun, but I want the main teaching of those subjects to be done by me and Mike. I feel less stressed about those areas as they seem to be less foundational than math and reading. We also have to supplement the math and reading a little bit. Lincoln draws a blank when it comes to basic math facts so we recently purchased some flash cards by EduPress and a CD full of skip counting songs by MathUSee. I also feel it will be important that they continue to be challenged in their reading, although T4L does a great job of introducing new sound combinations (for example, /io/ and /ou/ ) that I would probably not even think about until I realized they didn't know how to pronounce them. However, we are slowly building our own personal library and I am working at making reading a more important part of our day.

Overall, after just one month, I'm excited about Time4Learning. We still have to figure out our day and how to give both the boys equal learning time in an undisturbed environment. I'm sure that will forever be a challenge, but as far as what they'll be learning ... I'm thankful to know that part is taken care of.

Oh the weather outside is ...

2010-11-28T14:32:00.000-08:00

Random.

During the beginning of November we had record high's for our area - in the high '70's. Two weeks later we were having near blizzard conditions and record low's for our area; in some places it was in the single digits.
On Thanksgiving morning we had received two inches of new snow and by Thanksgiving night all the snow had been rained away.

My children are on the edge of utter ecstasy (snow) and total devastation (rain) on a day by day (sometimes hour by hour) basis.

The Pacific Northwest is like a box of chocolates I suppose.

How confused do you think this azalea bush is?

A Thanksgiving List

2010-11-25T12:03:00.000-08:00

I have so many things to be thankful for. Yet somehow, sometimes, I get into this whining grumbling rut where I seem to wallow in my self pity and focus only on what I wish I had to be thankful for. The last few years God has really worked on me in this area and I think (hope?) I'm getting better. One reason I love this time of year is because we have a holiday devoted specifically to being thankful - it forces me to look beyond my little grave of self pity and think about all I have been blessed with. And although I don't feel I've been in my little wallowing hole as of late (thank you Lord) I still wanted to come up with a list of a few things I am especially thankful for ... (not in order importance...except #1 and 2 of course). Happy Thanksgiving!

1. The thing I am always most thankful for is that I have a relationship with God through Jesus. Also, that He really truly leads me so gently. I feel like that last couple of months have pushed me to another level of faith and understanding - and it's pretty cool.

2. My husband that still makes my knees weak when he smiles, the children he has given me, and the life he has made with me.

3. I tolerate gluten. Hallelujah for carbs. Amen.

3. I am beyond thankful that the great state of Washington is so lenient with their homeschooling laws and that I have the freedom and flexibility to educate them the way I feel is best.

4. That my husband not only has a job, but a job that provides well for our family ... and one that he enjoys. Rare and wonderful.

5. That I have four children. It's just cool.

6. Hot showers. Mmmm...tankless means endless. So. Very. Thankful.

7. I'm thankful for my DSLR camera.

8. Riesling. And I'm beginning to be thankful for merlot.

9. I know I've mentioned it before (and I'm sure it will be mentioned again) but my mom lives less than a mile away. And I love that. And she's one of my best friend's. And she let's me use her Shark steam mop. And she babysits for free. And she makes me dinner. And she lives less than a mile away.

10. I have a group of women I meet with once a month - they are all married to police officer's. I have grown to depend on these women immeasurably. Not because my husband is a jerk, or his schedule sucks, or his department is difficult ... but because they accept me and encourage me and uplift me. It is rare to find a group of women who refuses to berate and belittle the men in their life. I am proud and thankful to belong to this fabulous group and to count those women as some of my closest friends.

11. I have some girlfriends that I grew up with - and we all still get together. How cool is that? It doesn't happen as often as I'd like, but at least once or twice a year we've been able to make it work and the time is sweet. I am thankful that we continue to make the effort to maintain and cultivate our relationships.

12. I was able to spend some quality time with my sister and niece from Arizona this year. I cried when they went home. I miss them.

13. Jen came for almost a week. It was wonderful. I cried when she left.

14. My sister in laws - Tara, Sarah-Jane and (soon!) Candace. I'm also thankful for the men who made them my sister in laws... my pesky little brothers Isaac, Micah and Matthew. How I love them.

15. My in-laws. No woman is as fortunate as I am (in my opinion).

16. Julie. Technically she's Mike's sister in law, but she's one of my dearest friends. She's basically wonderful.

17. My sisters. Rachel and Rebekah.

18. My coffee grinder and barista.

19. Starbucks.

20. Worship music.

21. My King size bed.

22. My dad. I'm 31 years old and to me - he's still pretty Supermanly.

23. I'm close with my cousins and I count them among my dearest friends. Family reunions are probably near the top of my "Most Fun Weekends" list.

24. Being debt free.

25. Netflix on the Wii.

What are some things YOU are thankful for this year? Does being thankful help you to stay out of self-pity ruts?

What I am not.

2010-11-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

I am not a hot weather fan. Nor am I a cold weather fan. Which is why the Pacific Northwest is the perfect place for me.

Although I love hot weather. I mean, Mike is taking me to Maui for our anniversary in 66 days (give or take a few hours.) And it is snowing out and I love love love snow and am hopeful that this winter will be as snowy and cold as they say it it going to be.

So, I'm pretty much a mixed up jumbled mess of loving a tan as long as their is air conditioning and wanting to sled as long as their is a roaring fire and hot chocolate (preferably with a little Bailey's. Just sayin'.)

I'm glad you all got to know me a little better today.

A Giveaway!

2010-11-16T20:52:00.000-08:00

Since I've had such an overwhelming positive response to my little photography venture I teamed up with my friend Jenny at Pixy Print Lane to do a giveaway...
I wanted to make sure you all got a chance to get in on the action so click Genesis Ann Photography to get all the details!

Tell your friends!

The Best Decision

2010-11-11T15:11:00.000-08:00

I've started reading Keys For Kids with my children every morning. I grew up with Keys For Kids - they are great little devotionals. Every day there is some scripture to read, a verse to memorize, and a Key - a shorter easier little phrase that sums up the story. It really is a great little resource for my family - the verses are good to have my older boys working on memorizing, and the Key is awesome for the babies. They feel such a sense of accomplishment when Mike walks in the door and they can all tell him what the Key for the day was! And for me ... well, I feel like I'm taking care of some of my most important jobs as a mother.
First, teaching them how to read and understand the Bible.
Secondly, teaching them to memorize and hide the Scripture in their little hearts. The times when verses from the Bible have come to mind exactly when I needed them are too many to count. I want, so badly, for my kids to have that same assurance and guidance as they grow.
Thirdly, leading my children to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and helping them to develop their own personal relationship with Him.
We are backed up a couple of days on the Keys For Kids since we took the kids away for a couple days at the beginning of the week. I opened up today's Key and found that it was part 2 so I found yesterday's story and printed it out. I sat down with the kids and scanned the verse and key.
The verse was John 3:3 "I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God."
The key was "Live forever in heaven."
Oh boy I thought. We're getting to some meat today!

After reading the little story I read the 'How about You' section: Did you know that your soul is the most important part of you? Nobody can see it, but it will live forever - in either heaven or hell. If you have accepted Christ as your Savior, you'll live with Him in heaven someday. If you haven't done that, don't wait. Trust Him and be born again today.

As I read that, Lincoln raised his hand. "Mom," he said, "I don't know if I've done that. Can you ask Jesus into my heart for me?"
I had to explain that only he could ask Jesus to be his Savior - that it was a decision I couldn't make for him, but that I could help him if he wanted me to. I explained that we all sin, and because God is perfect and can't look at sin, that our soul had to go to hell. Then I explained that Jesus had lived perfectly and that because He died, and more importantly rose from the dead, that if we asked Him to be our Savior, when we die, God will look at us and see Jesus in us - His perfect Son, and that our soul can go to heaven. And then I told him that if he believes that in his heart and says it with his mouth, then he will go to heaven.
And then we prayed and my son asked Jesus to be his Savior.
And I bawled like a little baby.
"Why are you crying Mom?"
"Because Honey. Not every mom knows for sure that she will see her child in Heaven - but me, I know. I know without a doubt that you will be there and that makes me so happy the only thing I can do is cry."

I'm still crying. The joy in my heart makes me want to explode. This decision that determines the course of my son's life - I don't take it lightly. I understand that he doesn't totally get it all; that Mike's and my responsibility for leading him and directing him is only just beginning. But Lincoln has taken that first step - he has a faith now and this momma ... well, she's a blubbering joyful mess.

An unashamed blubbering joyful mess.

Click HERE to read Keys For Kids

An Admission

2010-11-07T21:52:00.001-08:00

Can I admit something?

When I have something percolating through my mind, it kind of takes over everything. Like ... everything. For example, Mike has walked into our room a few times while I've been busy pondering what it is that's been on my mind (and probably making funny faces while talking to myself) and I just about kung-fu chopped him in the face each and every time.

Have you ever been sneaked up on? It's terrifying.

My husband's ninja assassin skills aside, this thing that has so consumed my thoughts is the same thing that has caused all my writer's block. I've tried writing about it a couple of times but it never comes out right (I know...rehashing what I've already said). So, instead of powering through it, I have a friend over and talk about it because that is so much easier.

And I feel less sneaked up on.

Then, a day or two ago, while reading the Bible, I read this verse.

Psalm 27:13

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

And just ... whoa.

I can't even write much more about it because it doesn't do justice to what it meant to my spirit.

And all of that to say, now I have even more to think about. Which probably means more writer's block. And more kung-fu chops to Mike's face.

A List

2010-10-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

1. I tried Time 4 Learning with Lincoln this morning. After two math lessons he was able to play a math game, which he loved. At the end of the game was a quiz, which he did not love. He cried and cried when I told him he had to take the 5 question quiz. This made me wonder two things.
a) Oh my gosh, would you behave this way if Mrs. Bedlington told you you had to take a quiz?

and

b) Oh my gosh, did you behave this way when Mrs. Bedlington told you take a quiz?

2. My children have been playing in their own little make believe world for about an hour without any tears or hitting. What is sweeter than that? (Ok...when they are sleeping. But, other than sleep ...)

3. A few weeks ago Mike and I decided that we weren't going to let the kids watch TV anymore; that it would be a special 'treat' instead of what they got to do every time I didn't know what to do with them. It went really well for the first two weeks - and then Mike got Netflix for the Wii and now the TV's been on for like ... I don't know. Thirteen hours straight. Give or take.

4. I have decided that beginning on Monday November 1 I will no longer be eating sugar. There are a few reasons for this.
   a) Sugar triggers my migraines.
   b) I am addicted to sugar 'like a cocaine addict is addicted to cocaine' (direct quote from my naturopath)
I have done this a few times over the years and each time the result is wonderful. I lose weight, I stop getting migraines and daily headaches, I no longer crave Nerds for breakfast. It's beautiful. I can never go too long as eating seems to be such a social behavior and I hate sounding like a total tool when I'm offered dessert.
"Oh, no thank you. I don't eat sugar. You do?"
Ok, it isn't that bad, but it feels that bad. And inevitably I end up eating Skittles and claiming that they are basically fruit so it's okay and I spend days in bed with migraines and I put on five pounds and I end up needing to go cold turkey. Again. Cold turkey is the only way I know though - I have never been able to figure out how to wean myself off of sugar. It's all or nothing.

5. This year we aren't letting the kids Trick-or-Treat. Like before, I have a few reasons.
   a) My children are petrified of every. single. thing related to Halloween. At the grocery store Mike had to take them out another route while I checked out because there was a skeleton by the cash register and they all went into convulsions. Or something.
   b) I'm having a hard time answering the hard questions, most of which are from my oldest son, Lincoln.
"Mom, are witches real?" "Mom, why do people dress up for Halloween?" "Mom, what are zombies?" "Mom, are there really ghosts?" "Mom, why do people celebrate Halloween?" and the zinger ... "Mom, if everything about Halloween is about the Devil and evil, why do we celebrate it?"
   c) My strong affection and slight addiction to sugar. Please re-read #4 above.
This will be a year by year thing. Perhaps when they can walk past a spider without screaming and running the other direction, or when they can understand the difference between dressing up and getting candy and actually celebrating Halloween, or when their mother is no longer fighting the sugar demons...perhaps then.

6) I roasted about 100 cloves of garlic yesterday. My house smells delicious but I'm pretty sure that I don't smell so wonderfully.

7) The Bible study I've been doing, One in a Million by Priscilla Shrier, has been amazing. When we got to the chapter on the Oasis of Complacency - I quit. I was terrified of what I'd learn; of what God would show me. One (of the many) things she said was, "If you aren't feeling attacked, then you aren't a threat." Gulp. I can't remember the last time I wondered why the Enemy was hounding me.
Last night as I fell asleep I apologized to God and this morning I picked the study up again. I'm still really terrified of what He's going to reveal to me...I've felt for a long time that change was coming to my family. I'm still unsure of what that means or how that will look ... but I do know that if I'm willing to step out of the comfortable oasis and head for the promised land, even if the journey is tough, the rewards will far outweigh the difficulty.

8) I apologize for all the Christian-ese in #7.

9) Our external hard drive crashed. It had over three years of videos and pictures - not to mention all our other important documents - on it. I started thinking of the first time Brooklyn (and Simeon!) walked and their high pitched, off key singing, or when Lincoln recited his first memory verse or Judah sitting in his seat in front the washing machine crying while his Blankie took a bath, or the video of the kids playing with my tummy as the baby inside it jumped around ... and now I'm a basket case. Blurg.

10) A month ago, when we discovered our washing machine was leaking, I thought it was one of the worst things that could happen to me. (Sometimes I tend toward the dramatic...but only a leeetle.) When the repair company said the part wouldn't be in for two weeks, I complained a lot. When they called back and said that it actually wouldn't be in for four weeks I went a little crazy. When my husband called and talked to GE and they replaced our washer within two days and sent us a check to repair all the damages (and then some) I felt slightly ashamed and very sheepish. I thought about how God had allowed something temporarily inconvenient and uncomfortable so that He could bless us with something unexpected. I watched Him provide for my family in a way I never would have thought of. I saw how He had been taking care of me from the beginning - that although he led me to a hardship, he'd already had a plan in place to take care of me. I wonder, if I had had a better attitude when the washer first broke, how much more I could have learned from this situation. I also wonder, if when I'm faced with another difficulty, perhaps one that actually matters (like death or illness) if I will be able to remember how He provided for me with a stupid little washing machine and if I will remember that if He cared enough about me in that situation, how much more He must be taking care to provide for the big ones.

11) My brother's wedding is over. Thankfully. One of my great joys was tate my sister was able to come up from Hell ... er, I mean Arizona. I have missed her so much! For the first time ever, all six of us kids were in the same wedding. It was so awesome!

You can see some of my pictures from the wedding HERE

12) Thanks for putting up with my random posts and flighty-ness lately. You guys are the greatest.

What I thought was ...

2010-10-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

I thought homeschooling would come naturally to me. Come to find out watching TV, sleeping in and staying in my jammies all day truly seem to be what I'm good at. Sigh.

Thankfully my dear friend Laura has agreed to hold me accountable and we have scheduled to meet on January 7 in order to plan out our entire school year. I made a list of goals I have to accomplish before we meet and as usual ... I haven't really started on them yet.

All of that to say, Melissa, another dear friend who is also homeschooling, referred me to Time 4 Learning, a web based learning program. I think it is going to be a good supplement until we get a definite plan down. Maybe it will be the plan? Who knows.

I know I have been MIA and I have a lot I want to write about. Hopefully during the next few days it will all come together.

I’ve been invited to try Time4Learning for one month in exchange for a candid review. My opinion will be entirely my own, so be sure to come back and read about my experience. Time4Learning can be used as a homeschool curriculum, for afterschool enrichment and for summer skill sharpening. Find out how to write your own curriculum review for Time4Learning.

I've been invited to try Time4Learning for one month in exchange for a candid review. My opinion will be entirely my own, so be sure to come back and read about my experience. Time4Learning can be used as an online homeschooling curriculum, a web based afterschool tutorial or an online summer program. Find out how to write your own curriculum review for Time4Learning.

Am I forgetting something?

2010-10-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how quickly the time goes by and I realize how long it has been since I've posted.
Can I blame the children? The photography? The husband? My brother's wedding? Mmmm...I'm blaming them all. Lord knows I would never actually blame myself!

I had a photo session with a high school senior yesterday and as I was getting my equipment out of the car (*Side note: Thank you so much to all of you for your encouragement and kind words regarding my photography. It has been very very affirming!!) I noticed the gal in the car next to me. She was a little bit older, maybe in her '60's, and she had a young child with her, probably four or five years old. She got out of the drivers seat and ...

WAIT?! WHAT?!

Yes, I really got out my zoom lens and took this picture.
If my mom ever needs a note to remind herself to put the car in park ... well, she won't be driving my kids around.
I just think that's fair. Right?

Elusive

2010-10-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

I have this huge long post that is dying to be written. The words are eluding me. I've been working on it for days. I am seeing life with new eyes and my heart is totally changing - these are very good things. So I try to write it down and I find that what I write just sounds stupid.

Just thought I'd share that.

In other news, I took my kids for a walk today. After having to turn around after two blocks because B forgot to pee before we left, and after she almost got run over while I was helping J find his flip-flop that S had knocked off his foot, we finally made it to the sidewalk a few blocks up the street where I could finally breathe again.

I figured, since I'm trying to start a photography business and all, I should bring my camera along and get some pictures of my own kids.

I have to admit, I don't know why getting them to smile/stand still/look at the camera/not throw temper tantrums is so difficult for me. Other people's kids smile/stand still/look at the camera/don't throw temper tantrums for me! Sheesh!!

But this one turned out kind of cute. Because it didn't require smiling/standing still/looking at the camera.

And at least they are all looking at the camera here. It only took me saying, "Ooookay...how about we all say what costumes we want to wear? How about we all pretend we're happy! How about I make you snickerdoodles? How about, um ... Say HI DADDY!"

That got 'em. They'll do anything for Daddy.

Little stinkers.

Some things ...

2010-10-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

1. My baby brother is getting married. I had this hair brained idea that, since my future sister in law was trying to plan a wedding from London, that I should get involved. Since she arrived only last week we have spent nearly every day running around like wild yay-hoos getting everything 'tidied up'. Today, less than three weeks before the wedding ... we ordered the wedding cake.

2. I fully launched my photography business. Yikes!

Actually, it's been very fun. I've had actual paying jobs and it. is. amazing.

I started a blog for it, Genesis Ann Photography. It's still pretty rough around the edges but Melissa is helping me (God love her) so hopefully in the next few weeks it will look totally rad.

3. I just said rad. Ha!

4. I still have no idea how to home school. My oldest said he loved homeschooling so much because we didn't really have to do much work. Which means...we have a lot of work to do.

5. I have, however, started teaching J to read. The other day he read his first sentence and the joy on his face almost made me cry. It was awesome.

6. I have no time to sit down and write something.

7. Oh, speaking of my photography business, if you're on Facebook you can Like me if you want. I hate the way that sounds ... but, look me up!

8. My washer has been broken for two weeks. The GE repair man said they would have the part to fix it on October 12. I think not having a washer is quite possibly one of the worst things that can happen to a mother. Ever.

9. I'm doing a Bible study right now called One in a Million by Priscilla Schrier. It is absolutely changing my life and changing the way I see everything about life. It sounds silly to say but ... wow. If you ever have a chance to take this study, do it.

10. I'm sorry (TWYLA!) that I haven't written more of the debt story. I want to. I think about it. A lot. I just ... don't ... do ... it. So...sorry. I will. Soon. I think. Probably.

11. Oh! This very evening I booked our tickets to Maui for our 10th anniversary. And that will get me through the next four months and the Holidays without (hopefully) gaining weight!

Jen

2010-09-20T14:42:00.000-07:00

My friend Jen is coming on Tuesday night from Texas. Her flight arrives at 11:05 pm. Stinker. I think she does this to me on purpose.

I know I said I don't have a 'best' friend ... but ... She is one of my dearest closest bestest friends. I cannot wait to see her. Jen is one of those friends that is my heart, if that makes any sense. Really though, one of the (many) reasons I would consider her a best is because Josh (her hubby) and Mike are also besties (although, I'm pretty sure they don't refer to each other as such) and Mike is ~~slightly~~ highly bitter than Josh isn't coming as well. He hasn't seen Josh since we went to Texas last November to visit them. I think he may be going through withdrawls. It really isn't fair since Mike and Josh were friends first and Jen and I married into the friendship but ... well, too bad for them.

We aren't always on the same page.

Ok, often we are in totally different chapters.

But it works.

When Mike and I were engaged we went to California with Josh and Jen. When we'd been married a couple of years we went to Mexico with them. We had our first two babies weeks apart from each other. When our firsts were less than one we packed them up and went to Las Vegas together. Because we are smart and awesome like that. (What were we thinking?!)

Our firsts, Jillian and Lincoln, have pretty much already made life long committments to each other. Lincoln says things to me like, "When I grow up and marry Jillian and we live in Texas, will you visit us?" And Jillian does things like turn a paper plate into Lincoln's face and carry it around all day.

We all do it ... when our friends have babies we say things like, "Oh, Lincoln! Here's your girlfriend Jillian!" and everyone laughs and says "Oh! How sweet!" while the babies do things like drool and poop and we take pictures of them together as if they actually know what's going on. But no one actually grows up and gets married to that one special baby.

But sometimes, I really think Lincoln and Jillian may be the exception. Actually, I really hope they are. Because just like her mom, Jillian is my heart ... and I find myself hoping ...

Last night as we were putting the kids into bed Lincoln asked, "Is Auntie Jen bringing me anything?"

I told him she would probably bring him a picture from Jillian.

He responded, "Maybe she'll bring me Jillian!"

Mike said how nice that would be and Lincoln sighed, "That would be paradise."

My little Romeo...er, only, without the whole fueding families and suicide thing.

Suffice to say, I'll be MIA for a few days.

Have a great week everyone! (And Twyla ... sorry AGAIN about the Debt Story ... you know I love you!)

Thirty One-derful

2010-09-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

Today is my 31st birthday.
There is much to discuss about officially being 'in my thirties' although I wish to dismiss all of that and focus on one simple thing.

Last year at my 30th birthday party ...

I was ... um ... ample.

I was uncomfortable being that big but I wasn't ready to really do anything about it. I covered my body with baggy jeans, flowy shirts and lots and lots of hoodies. If I were complimented on how I looked, I could never accept it. I wanted to be comfortable with my physical self, but I really never could get there.

In Januray Mike and I began working out and dieting and we both lost weight. I began to become more comfortable with the way I looked, a little bit more confident but I could never totally just embrace my body. I was proud of what my body had done ('Well, I've had four healthy babies ... it worked like it should have!) but not proud of what my body looked like ('I may have lost weight ... but these stretch marks sure aren't going anywhere!')

Yesterday Mike took me to the Westin for a night. He had booked a room that came with a $100 shopping spree at the mall across the street. So, we checked into our room and then walked over to work on spending some money and to find me a comfortable pair of jeans. I have lost just over 20 pounds since my last birthday but was only wearing one size smaller than I had been before losing weight. I chalked it up to having had four kids in five years - after all, ones stomach can only be extended so many times before it just gives up, right?

We walked into the Lucky Jeans store and when I told Stuart, the oh so friendly and abundantly helpful sales clerk, what size I was he looked me up and down and said, "Oh honey. No you aren't." Then he laughed and pulled down a pair of jeans that was TWO SIZES SMALLER than the ones I had on.
"Oh Stuart, you flatter me. But really ... this number here? It's much too small. Much. Much."
Again Stuart laughed and walked me to a dressing room.
And then something very strange happened. Something totally unexpected. I put those teeny tiny jeans on ... and they actually buttoned. They didn't just button though ... they actually looked good. And my stomach, that I had given so much grief, stayed put, not popping over the top like I had expected it to. I stood there in disbelief, and honestly, total shock. I could not believe those jeans fit me.

Upon seeing the $115 price tag I thanked Stuart for his help and left the store. We went to a few more stores and at each place it was the same; they laughed when I told them my size and pulled smaller sizes down for me to try on.

We ended up at the Gap where I purchased their Perfect Boot Jeans ... two sizes smaller than what I had been wearing.

I don't know about you, but this was a HUGE confidence booster for me. And a wake up call. Why am I constantly selling myself short? Why, when someone gives me a compliment, do I blow them off? Why can't I accept my body for what it really is? Which is apparently, a lot smaller than I thought?

So, with a little bit of angst, and also a little pride, I had Mike take this picture of me this morning.

I feel better about my body today than I have in a very long time. I've worked hard to get here and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. I know I have to continue to take care of myself if I expect to stay in these jeans, but getting them on and looking good in them only solidified that in my mind. What I've been doing ... it's been working, I'm not going to quit.

As I head into my thirty second year of life, I am determined to change my attitude about myself and my body image. I resolve, that when I look in the mirror, I will see the woman in the size 4 jeans and stop mentally adding the layers and pounds until I resemble the woman squeezing into the size 10/12, hoping that they'll loosen up just enough so I can sit comfortably.

I'm ready to start seeing my body the way Mike does - or, at least, start attempting to.

And I'm finally ready to truly appreciate that with everything I've put my body through during the last eight years of pregnancy and nursing, it has come out a winner, without feeling the need to attach any "except for's" to it.

*I went back and forth about sharing my actual size because I know sizes are arbitrary and we all are built differently. I had a huge wake-up call yesterday that totally shifted the way I saw myself so please take the post as I meant it - just a small retrospective about where I've come from and realizing where I'm actually at - and my attempt to start seeing the beauty in my physical self.*

Not Remembering Wednesday ...

2010-09-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I am not doing my normal Remember When Wednesday Debt story. (Especially to you Twyla!)
Life has been busy, what can I say? It's a good busy though - I'm very thankful.

This weekend I had the opportunity to do two photo shoots. I did senior portraits for my cousin, Maddy, and family portraits for my cousin, Jesse. My family has been super supportive of my photography ventures and I am thankful there are so many of them so I've been able to get in lots of practice.

The two shoots this last weekend convinced me that I not only want to, but am ready, to take my photography from a hobby to ... well, whatever the next step is. Business, I suppose. The fact that my aunt paid me after she saw the pictures and my cousin's wife said her pictures got over 60 comments on Facebook did nothing to discourage me, I can tell you that much.

But that's all. I've just decided I want to. The whole 'actually stepping out' thing may take some time. And a website. Honey...are you reading this?

Although...I do have my first official paid shoot booked. So, I'm excited about that.

Yeah!

Looking Ahead

2010-09-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

What ... oh what?! ... have we done?

This morning as I sat on the couch with a two year old flickering the lights, a three year old crying about how little attention she receives, and a five year old pinching a seven year old, I wondered if a) I could possibly retreat to the bathroom with a bottle of wine unnoticed and b) whatever in God's name possessed me to try homeschooling in the first place?

Months ago I began this journey to figuring out what being a homemaker meant for me. I hesistate to write about it often because it is really a rather personal journey and because it seems to take me much too long to figure out what the next step on this journey even is.

In June Mike attended a seminar on safety. I had been under the assumption it was on officer safety with regards not only to the violence toward officers in our area but all over the country. I was wrong. It focused mostly on terrorism and what he could do to better protect himself, his family, and his community. During one of the breaks Mike called me and said, "Gen...I'm so weirded out by all this information I don't even want to put L on the school bus tomorrow."

It didn't bother me that Mike was having a momentary lapse in his normally very tough exterior, which, usually sends me into an immediate freak out mode. My reply, which surprised even me, was, "Isn't it interesting that you would say something like that to me during this time when I am so open to what being a homemaker means for me and for our family?"

There it was, so simple and obvious ... my next step.

And thus began our journey into homeschooling.

For a few weeks I prayed that if homeschooling was what was right for our family that God Himself would shout it from Heaven. Something like, "Hey! Idiot! Homeschool your kids!" Week after week there would be no shout, but my curiosity had begun to grow and mature into interest, and I soon found that my interest had blossomed into full blown passion. Perhaps the shout I was waiting for came to me in a way I should have been expecting from the beginning ... a simple whisper.

The choices available to homeschooling families are so vast I have found myself drowning in them so although I now know homeschooling is the right decision, I don't know much else. I feel behind and inadequate. The only routine I have successfully established is sitting the children down and reading a story from the Children's Bible and then we all head to the table and draw a picture of what we read. And even that (please see first paragraph) seems to be a challenge.

J's picture of the story of Cain and Abel. Pretty sure this would get me called into the principal's office.

And what more? Above and beyond Bible studies, which are so very important to us and our faith, what am I going to do with these four children? How am I going to make sure they are not only adequately educated but also adequately prepared for the real world? And above and beyond that, when am I going to find time to spend alone with my husband? That man who still makes my heart do little flip flops when he walks in the door? (Oh Lord may that never stop!) For crying out loud, not even four months ago we were in the middle of our five year "We just have to get the baby to school so we can finally be alone again" plan. Why are deviating from that?

Of course, along with my worries, I see my second grader who has difficulty doing simple single digit addition, even though we were told by his first grade teacher he was doing fine in that area. I see my Kindergartner who couldn't even make it through his first reading lesson with his own mother without his Blankie and Puppy nestled neatly around him. I see my children, no longer fighting and instead laughing with their best friends, play mates ... school mates.

So I am at a cross roads; somewhere between Teacher of the Year and Boozehound hiding in the Bathroom.

The Lord is going to help me figure it all out. That's what this blog is all about after all; His gentle leading of those with young. And I remember what was written millenia ago, although I feel it may have been written specifically for me.
Psalm 105:4 "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always."
and
1 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us over to a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

And I can say with (a little) confidence ... I think I'm ready for tomorrow.

Remember When Wednesdays: The Debt Story Pt 11

2010-09-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

"But how much will it cost us?" Mike asked, rightfully so.
"I don't ... I don't honestly know. According to the gal at the insurance company, since we've met our deductible this year, they should cover everything. The only things we have to buy are on the list from the midwife ... all said and done it's less than $70."
"Oookay," he said slowly. "How much does having the baby at the hospital cost?"
"Well, at a minimum it will cost us $375 for my stay in the hospital, plus another $375 for the baby, from what I understand."
"So, let me see if I understand this? If we do a homebirth, you get the natural delivery you want and most likely won't have to pay more than $70? If we do a hospital birth, you'll likely be induced, get an epidural, not have the delivery you want, and we'll end up having to pay $750?"
I nodded.
"So, what are we deciding then? It kind of seems like a no brainer."
"Really? I mean, are you comfortable with having a baby at home?"
"Is the midwife prepared for emergencies? Does she have oxygen? Did you ask about meconium?"
"Yeah, all of that. Here's a list of all the reasons they'll take us to the hospital, a list of everything they bring with them, and the mec, if it's not dark, won't be a big deal."
He looked over the papers I had brought home from the midwifery clinic.
"I guess, let's do it. I think it'll be fun."
"Fun? Are you sure that's the term you'd like to use?" I teased him.
He winked at me. "Baby, with your easy labors, it won't be anything less!"
I laughed and tossed a pillow at him.
"If I could move any faster than a slug you'd be in so much trouble right now!"
He easily dodged the pillow and said, "Don't I know it!"
***
"Do you have a pediatrician?" Darlene, our midwife, asked.
"No, not really. I mean, we're trying to find one. I've been really unhappy with ours."
"Oh, let me give you the number for Dr. S. He has a clinic not too far from here, it's a private practice. He is very supportive of home and birth center births and won't give you grief. He actually approached me and asked if we could work together. I think you'll like him."
I took his card and prayed he would work out for us.
The next day I called Dr. S's office. I explained that we were having a baby and considering coming to his office. I asked about his fee schedule.
"Oh," the receptionist replied, "we do all our own billing. He'll be more than willing to work with you as far as payment goes. It really won't be an issue. Just call after your son is born and we'll get you in right away."
It seemed too good to be true; but I hoped, that maybe we had finally found the right doctor for our children.
***
I opened my eyes in the dark, wondering if it was the urge to use the bathroom that had woke me. I laid there for a minute, closing my eyes, hoping I could fall back to sleep. The tightening that began at the bottom of my stomach and rocked through my entire body assured me that I would most definitely be awake for quite a bit longer. In that moment I remembered what real labor felt like and wondered why, during the last few weeks, I had ever thought I was in labor. I watched the clock now, waiting for the next contraction. It came ten minutes later. I waited for the next before I woke Mike. Eight minutes later. Far apart but they were real and I knew this was going somewhere. I reached over and grabbed Mike by the shoulder.
"Honey," I whispered softly at first.
"Honey," I said with more urgency. "He's coming."
"Really?" he asked sleepily. "How are the contractions?"
"Uh, ten minutes and then eight minutes."
He sat up and turned on the light. "Should I call the midwife?"
"Let's wait for a few more." The next one came six minutes later, followed by another one six minutes after that. "Ok, call the midwife."
She told us to call her back when they were closer together. Mike and I laughed. I knew it wouldn't be long.
Fifteen minutes later I was in the tub, in full active labor, when Mike called her again. My contractions were now two minutes apart. "It's just how we do labor around here," I hear him say. I found myself laughing in spite of the waves attacking my body. It was so true - it really was how we did labor.
***
I stared at our newborn son sleeping sweetly next to me in bed. I looked at the clock; it had been less than four hours since I felt my first contraction and the baby was here and the midwife and her assistant and all our family had already come and gone. Mike stroked little Sim's cheek and chuckled.
"Having an eight and a half pound baby in less than two hours? Like I said ... easy and fun."
I chuckled with him. When he was right, he was right!
***
Sim made funny noises when he breathed. At first we thought they were cute, but when he cried and he hardly made sound, and when he was totally relaxed and sounded like a duck, and when his lips had a shade of blue to them, we knew something was off. After a visit to the doctor and a chest x-ray to determine everything was fine, we were sent to Children's Hospital in Seattle.
"I'm sorry I have to do this to you," Dr. S said. He looked truly upset. "I know it is out of the way but they are the best place to go and there is something wrong and I don't know what it is. It's the best place to be."
I was alone with Sim in the car and cried. I called Mike, distraught.
"Your mom is going to get the kids. Come and pick me and we'll go together. I'm not letting you go down to Seattle, with an infant, in a post-partum state, alone." I was so thankful for him. Even though I didn't want to waste a minute, I knew I couldn't make the drive alone and was relieved he wanted us to be together.
We checked into Children's a few hours later and they ran a few tests and did a few more x-rays. They felt like they knew what the problem was, laryngomalacia, but they wanted to keep us overnight for observation. I wouldn't have it.
"Will laryngomalacia kill him?"
"Well, no. But if we're wrong you could end up back here tonight."
"But you don't think you're wrong."
"Well, no. But it is better if you stay."
After many back and forth conversations I was exhausted and the hospital staff finally won. We were admitted into our hospital room and Mike had to leave us for the night.
I was frustrated as I crammed myself onto the small bed next to Sim's crib. He was attached to all sorts of wires that were monitoring his breathing and heartrate. I knew that we really were in the best place, but I missed my bed, and strangely, I missed my other kids. Everything I had tried to avoid by having the homebirth we were now going through; and as much as I hated to admit it, the $375 price tag for a night at the hospital was not something I wanted to pay for, especially since I didn't feel it was necessary.
The next evening we were discharged with a diagnosis of laryngomalacia and reflux and instructions to give our two week old heartburn medication and to bring him back in six months for more extensive tests. He had never spit up before and after a brief talk with Dr. S I threw the medication away. Two months later he was breathing normally and quietly and we canceld his follow-up appointment.
***
I stared at the insurance statements in disbelief. After Simeon's birth we owed nothing. Everything was covered, every bill was paid. After our visit to the hospital we had a $375 charge; they had a financial relief program that we'd applied for and received.
We now had four children and, apart from diapers, it wasn't costing us any more money than when we'd had three. In fact, even with the birth and the hospital visit we'd still been able to make a large payment toward our credit card.
"Hey, Mike!" I called. "Guess what? It looks like we're going to pay our credit card off ahead of schedule!! Bet you didn't expect that?!"

To be continued...

A (nother) Obession

2010-09-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

Weird, huh?

It's just that with a little olive oil and butter something magical happens and I cannot get enough of it

Hello Swiss cheese and hamburger patty. I'm so glad you showed up ...

In other, less (perhaps more?) random news ...

My baby turned two. I was looking for any reason to make this cake and his birthday proved to be the perfect excuse. Plus...ice cream helps to take my mind off the fact that I no longer have a baby. *sniffle*

This is EV. I cannot help but want to nibble on her cheeks. They look as if they taste like marshmallows.

This is my nephew, Zayzay. I mean ... really.

Another nephew, JT. He reminds me of trouble. In a really adorable package. I had just caught him picking his nose.

And another nephew ... (forgive me Tara) ... his favorite toy when he comes over. It makes Uncle Mike very proud.

And Tara, by the way, is due any day with baby #4. A girl.

Woot!

Speaking of random, here's a piece of advice:

When you are making hamburgers for dinner, and you slice up some dill pickles because you love your children and know how much they love dill pickles, do not eat one of those dill pickle slices, however tempted you may be, if you've just removed mint gum from your mouth. Just ... trust me. Don't do it.

Remember When Wednesday: The Debt Story Pt 10

2010-09-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

I hung up the phone, frustrated and cursing the ease of cell phone buttons, wishing I had an old clunker I could just slam down.
"What's wrong?" Mike asked as he grabbed an apple.
"The stupid Clinic. I called before Judah's well-child visit to see if we could pay cash since I knew our insurance wouldn't cover it. I thought maybe it would be less expensive. The gal told me they would run it through insurance to get their 'contracted' rate, which would be less than what they would charge. Guess what? SHE LIED. Since our insurance doesn't cover that type of visit, they of course didn't have a contracted rate, so we have to pay the full amount. One hundred. Eighty. Dollars."
Mike let out a low whistle. "You paid it then?"
I sighed loudly. "Yes. I told them I was frustrated with it, and the guy said he would pass my frustrations along...there's nothing he can do. It just ... sucks." I sighed again and then said something I'd been thinking about for awhile. "Honey, we need a new pediatrician. We need to go somewhere where they are willing to work with us, as far as money goes. The Clinic is such a huge corporation and the individual doctors have no power over what is charged. I'm also frustrated with our level of care. The doctor was with Judah for five minutes; when I said I was worried about his speech he didn't even listen to him talk. We've just ... we've got to find something else. The baby is coming in less than two months and then we'll be spending a lot of time at the doctor. We need to find one who is more flexible."
"Well," Mike replied, "start asking around. I'm sure there's a doctor around here somewhere who isn't part of the clinic."
***
I could hear my phone ringing on the other side of the house. I walked as quickly as my large stomach would allow me to try and get to it in time.
"Hey, guess what?" Mike asked when I picked up.
"What?"
"I just had to go to a 911 hang-up at a doctor's office. A naturopath. He's also a pediatrician. Cool, huh? They don't take our insurance but they do all their own billing and would be willing to work with us on a cash basis. Want to go meet him?"
It seemed to be an answer to prayer!
"Well...if he doesn't take our insurance what about all the visits that ARE covered by our insurance? We'd still have to pay out of pocket for those?" I asked.
"Well, I guess, yeah. But, it's worth a visit, right? It could honestly cost us less over all if we aren't dealing with deductibles and everything." He had a point.
"Well, I'd love to meet him. I'm so sick of the Clinic I'm willing to look into just about anything. I've got news too. I was checking out our bank statement, and the Clinic refunded us the $180. I thought that was weird so I called and the gal I talked to said that for some reason they'd refunded us, but they showed that we still owed them. She looked into it and it was some weird computer glitch. That first guy I'd talked to put in the notes that I was frustrated with their billing policy, and since the refund was their fault, they just wrote it off. We got the money for that appointment back!"
"Honey! That is so awesome!!" Mike replied. "Just one more sign that we are on the right track."
***
I waddled into the naturopath's office with Mike and our three children in tow. There was a playhouse in the waiting room, rows of books and the receptionist was very kind. She took us to a room with a desk where we were to wait for the doctor. "Just like the movies," I whispered to Mike.
The naturopath walked in and we introduced ourselves and explained our disappointment with the medical treatment we'd been receiving and also with the charges we were having to pay. I asked about his well child visit schedule.
The doctor leaned forward and said, "So, your midwife will do the first visit. I'm assuming you're doing a home birth, right?" I laughed out loud. I immediately realized how rude I was but the notion of home birth seemed laughable. I composed myself. "Uh...no. We are using an OB at the hospital."
"Oh," he said, looking disappointed. "I wish you would come in for another appointment just so I could talk to you about the benefits of home birth. But, you have to do what you are comfortable with."
He then went into how often he likes to see children, as well as how he felt about vaccines.
"I also strongly discourage sugar and television."
"Oh, right of course..." Mike and I nodded in agreement. I hoped the suckers I had in my purse hadn't been poking out and thought of the Fruity Pebbles we had given the kids for breakfast while they watched Curious George on PBS. "Sugar and TV ... yuck." I tried not to make eye contact with Mike.
"Well," the doctor said standing up, "you are welcome to make an appointment if you'd like. We'll be more than happy to work with you on a sliding scale if you're paying cash. Hopefully we'll see you again." With that he walked out the door and we went back to the waiting room.
In the car Mike and I talked about the pros and cons of the visit. As much as I liked his natural approach I didn't want to feel guilty every time I gave my kids sweets. I also knew we wanted our children vaccinated, even if it was on a delayed schedule, and I didn't want to be reprimanded for that decision. I knew he wasn't going to be the doctor for us, but I also knew we wouldn't go back to the other doctor, which left us back where we started.
"Funny what he said about home birth, huh?" Mike said, noticing I had become quiet.
"Yeah ... funny."
I was quiet for a few minutes before Mike broke the silence. "Funny, but you're thinking about it now, aren't you?"
"Oh no. Well, not really. It's just, I know Dr. N is going to induce me, which I don't want. And I know if he doesn't, and I'm not at the hospital, that my labor may go so fast I won't make it to the hospital, and then I have the baby in the car, which...thankfully we have leather seats, but really? Not my favorite idea."
"I can't believe you're actually considering this."
"I didn't say that. I just mean it makes sense. A little." I paused. "Oh please. Can you even imagine? Me? Having a baby at home? I'm so sure."
"That's the thing, honey," Mike said lovingly. "I think you are so sure. You just don't know it yet."
***
"Hi, my husband and I were in there yesterday? Yeah. Um...the doctor mentioned that he had a midwifery clinic that he recommended? Yeah? Can I get that number, please?"

To be continued...

The Wedding

2010-08-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday two of my children were in a wedding. B was one of five flower girls. Did I type that correctly? Did I say five? I did?

L was the only Bible bearer.

Weddings stress me out, even when they aren't mine and when I'm not in them. I can't help but help (which is basically me telling people what to do) and when people don't listen to me my jaw starts to clench. As if grinding my teeth will make people listen. For some strange reason the bride ignored me, the mother of the bride rolled her eyes at me and the groomsmen just waved me away. The nerve. So I stuck to bossing the kids; generally they listen to me. Especially if I threaten to take cookies away. Then they do what I say.

After rereading that last paragraph I can admit I have control issues. It is what it is.

I decided it is better for me to attend a wedding and not know any details. Just show up, watch, clap, eat cake.

Speaking of cake ... I ate two pieces.

My stomach hurts today.

I'm done with weddings for awhile. Until my brother gets married in October. But then I'm really done with weddings. Until my other brother gets married. The problem with large families...someone is always getting married. As long as they just let me show up and eat cake, and mabye boss just a little, I should be fine.

I may be a little biased, but I'm pretty sure she was the prettiest flower girl.

He's so cute he can even make a bolo tie look god.

My niece, Kaitlyn, was a Junior Bridesmaid. She is the love of L's life. Not in a weird way. Just in a Next to my mom you are the love of my life kind of way. And I just threw in the next to my mom because he's seven now and I can't handle it when he says, "When I grow up I'll marry Jillian and move to Texas." Oh...Jillian, the other love of his life. Next to me. And Kait.

B and her BFF (also my niece), La-lee. Or Natalie for those of us who don't have speech issues. My sister-in-law and I used to worry that these two would never be friends. They would fight all the time over everything.

They seem to have grown out of it.

The Debt Story: Part 9

2010-08-25T08:47:00.000-07:00

We were going on vacation. I didn't know exactly how it had worked out, but between Mike's overtime and the Memorial Day holiday pay we had enough to make it work. I carefully counted out all of our cash, placing each bill into it's special envelope. It wasn't until I'd read Dave Ramsey's book that I started pulling cash out and using an envelope system. The system had seemed archaic to me before, when in actuality, once I started, I found myself much less stressed out over what we were spending. It was much easier to peek into my envelope and say, "We have $20.22 for gas" then it was to say, "We have...uh...about...$20ish?"
So I placed our grocery money, vacation 'fun' money, and gasoline money into their envelopes and wondered if we'd finally have a vacation where we came home with money in our pockets. My aunt and uncle had graciously offered to let us use their vacation home about three hours away and I couldn't have been more thankful. It was gorgeous, in a community right on the Colombia River in the Okanogan Valley in Eastern Washington. With a swimming pool and playground at our fingertips, not to mention the theatre in my uncle's home's basement, I knew we would have a great time. While I was putting everything into my wallet Mike walked up behind me.
"Someone emailed about the car."
"Really?" Hearing him say that made me nervous. I had felt that I would be ok with only one car, but in the back of my mind I had honestly hoped it wouldn't sell. I just didn't know if being a real life stay at home mom was going to fly with me.
"Yeah, he'd like to test drive it in a couple of days."
"Oh...wow. Do you think he'll buy it before we leave for our trip?"
"I dunno. Maybe? Possibly?"
My mind mulled over what it meant. No one had come to look at the car yet; I felt like I was going to be disappointed if it was purchased or if it wasn't. There was no winning with my emotions.

***
"So," Laura started as we sat in the sun on my aunt's sun-deck, enjoying the view of the river and listening to wind rustle the trees. "What made you guys decide to get out of debt?"
I laughed loudly. "YOU!" I exclaimed.
She looked at me in surprise. "Really?"
I told her briefly about how her statement about living debt free had really impacted us. I gave her a run down of our entire journey up to that point ending with ..."and now we're trying to sell our car. There's a guy who test drove it and is waiting for a loan to go through? We don't know if he's legit or not. I guess we'll see when we get home."
Laura seemed proud of our progress so far. We moved onto deeper conversation, as is our custom, but it had felt good to let Laura know, at least a little, how much she and her husband had affected our lives.
In talking with Laura, I realized that for the first time on vacation I didn't worry once about how much we were spending. Every dollar I pulled out of our envelopes was meant to be spent; I wasn't worrying about how we were going to catch up after we got home. The freedom and control I felt over our finances was a completely new sensation to me; for so long our finances had controlled us. It felt good to be one calling the shots.

Enjoying what I knew was going to be our last vacation for a long while ...

***
"Guess what?" I asked Mike excitedly.
"What?"
"We've got money leftover! Can you even believe it? We went on a vacation paying all cash and we actually have money in our pocket! Let's go out for dinner!!" I was only kind of kidding but the house was a mess with our post-vacation mess and I really didn't feel like cooking.
"Yeah," he smiled at me. "Let's go out for dinner!"
I grabbed my purse and yelled for the kids to get into the car. Mike was on my heels; going out had become such a rare treat we both could hardly handle the excitement. Mike's phone rang as he was getting into the car.
"It's that guy," he said me to. "The guy who test drove the car."
"Oh? Answer it I guess." I'd given up that the guy was actually going to buy our car. It seemed he'd spent so long trying to get his specific car loan to go through, and he'd never haggled with us...it just didn't seem possible.
"His loan came through. He wants to come tonight, when we're home from dinner. He's got the cash."
I stared at Mike in disbelief. "Really? Do we really want to do this? Are we really going to sell our car?"
"Yes...I think...I think we are. Wow. I think we are going to do this."
***
Mike came into the house, wringing his hands, his eyes wide.
I watched anxiously as our little white car drove down the road and out of sight.
"Where did you put the money?" Mike asked.
"In the cupboard," I replied softly.
"Oh my gosh ... did we really just do that? Did we really just sell our car? Oh my gosh ... "
"We have $3700 cash in our cupboard," I said. "With that, and your overtime...honey, we're paying over $5000 on our credit card this month. And we went on vacation."
We stared at each other.
Finally Mike said, "Thank you Lord. We're doing the right thing, honey."

Indeed, it seemed we were.

The Card

2010-08-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

I was clearing out space in a cupboard today and came across a card from Mike from years ago.
It had a quote by Percy Grainger:

There shouldn't

be so many

lonely places

on your body.

Everything

should be

visited and

hotly greeted.

Mike added:

By me.

Yes. Yes please.

Remember When Wednesday: The Eviction Notice

2010-08-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today I was due with our fourth child. I had never before gone that far into a pregnancy; two of my children came a week early and one was three days early so going until my due date was frustrating and exhausting, to say the least. Much to my angst and surprise, baby #4 didn't arrive until eleven days after his scheduled due date. I wrote him this eviction notice five days after his due date; six days before he actually arrived. I thought I would share it here since the 18th of August will never pass without me remembering the feelings I had on that day! (oh...and happy birthday Jessica!)

Dear Simeon,

The time has come for you to move out. You have overstayed your welcome and you must leave by tomorrow. I'm sorry to give you such short notice but I had hoped that you would be able to figure things out on your own. Since you've stayed five days longer than originally agreed to, the time has come for me to remind you that you must vacate.
I understand that you are comfortable. I know you are warm and well fed. However, when you leave you will find my arms much more comforting and the food here is good - much better than what you are getting in there. I have purchased some wonderful blankets to wrap you up nice and snuggly so you feel secure, and some wonderful friends have made larger blankets to ensure you are just as warm out here as you are in there.
I know change can be scary. I don't like it either...but this will be your first life lesson. Change is inevitable. Things will change whether you want them to or not. I wanted Lincoln to stay a baby forever, and now he is starting school. That is a scary change for me, but I cannot avoid it. Moving out will be tough for you too, but you will find that moving forward will be a much more rewarding experience than staying put.
I don't like moving. In fact, when your father and I bought this house I told him that I never wanted to move again. I hate packing and unpacking and big messes. The beautiful thing about you moving is that you have nothing to pack and any messes your move brings will be promptly cleaned up by the midwives and your dad. They have promised you won't have to do a thing. I won't either...isn't that wonderful?
Your brothers think you don't want to move because you don't like your name. Simeon means he who hears and obeys. That's a lot to live up to - I understand why you may be nervous. We have little expectation that you will always obey, although that would be nice. Our Heavenly Father has forgiven us countless times for our disobedience, and we have learned from Him that forgiveness is essential. That will be your second life lesson - God (and Mom and Dad) will always forgive you and never stop loving you. So don't worry about us having unreal expectations about your level of obedience...we know you have to learn, just like the rest of us.
Are you nervous about how Brooklyn will treat you? You shouldn't be. At first I was worried how she would react to not being the baby anymore, but last night at the Pennington's wedding, Vivienne Hamblen was there, and she loved on her like you wouldn't believe. She rubbed her back and touched her cheeks - she didn't poke her eyes or hit her face. She even tried to kiss her. When you move out, she will love you so very much. The other day she sat in her rocking chair next to me while I was in mine and we rocked together. She held her baby and I wished I was holding you.
Are you nervous about being born at home? Your dad was nervous at first too. But Darlene and Molly have really reassured him. They are prepared for nearly any emergency. They have both delivered many babies and know exactly what to do. They promise not to rush you and let you take your time, as long as you are actually moving out. They had me order a special kit so we have all the tools at home that you will need to make a safe transition into our home. They aren't even worried if you poo. Lincoln, Judah and Brooklyn all did before they were born - I know it can be embarrassing, but I don't really care about baby poo and Darlene and Molly said they are ready to clean it all up and have special equipment if you really feel like you need it. Our home is very nice. Great Grandma Bergman made you a beautiful bassinet to sleep in, but for the first little bit I'll probably let you sleep in bed with me and Dad. I really like snuggling and I know that will be very important to you for the first few nights. I know it will be hard for me to have you at home, but I am excited for the challenge. If you are worried about hurting me, don't be! I have done this three times before and feel ready for anything you can dish out. Although I won't be able to take medicine if something hurts, I'm not concerned. I wasn't able to have medication when Judah was born and so far his birth has been one of the best experiences I've had.
I am becoming more and more uncomfortable. I cannot sleep through the night, I cannot roll over in bed, I cannot hug your father all the way anymore, I cannot lift up your brothers and sister, I do not have a lap, I have constant heartburn, my hips are sore and it hurts to go from sitting to standing. When you move it feels like my skin is breaking open, when you turn your head I think my pelvis may explode. I pee my pants without even knowing and I have to use a brillo pad to get rid of the itch on my tummy. If your Grandma with Brown Hair calls one more time to ask if you've moved I may climb a wall - and you know how uncomfortable that would be for me. You must move out. Your deadline is tomorrow. If you are not out by tomorrow I will be forced to take drastic measures - I may use castor oil but I am not opposed to something more drastic, like cutting myself open or reaching in and grabbing you by the foot.
Please consider this your official eviction notice. I trust we will see you by tomorrow.
Love,
Mom

(A sampling of) My Friends

2010-08-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

I have some of the best friend's a woman could ask for.

Some of them I've only been close with for a few months, others have been friends from the womb. (Or "Sisters from another Mister" as Mike calls them). I have a really tough time calling any of them my "best" friend though. I've learned (however slowly and after many tears and much heartache, oftentimes caused by something I said or did) that terms like that can alienate people, or put too much pressure on someone to perform to a level they are not capable of, and often left me with unmet expectations. Years ago my mom told me she didn't have a best friend. "I have many friends, all them close to me for different reasons. To call one person the 'best' is impossible." I really liked that. It sits well with me. I definitely have friends that are closer than others, and a tight circle of friends I share just about everything with, but to call one person my 'best' ... well, it's just too difficult. I guess I've just been blessed with too many options! (Please know that I do not have a problem with people having best friends. Many of my very dear close friends have someone they refer to as their 'best' friend and I find those relationships to be quite beautiful.)

That being said, I have some of the best friends a woman could ask for. I am proud of that. I love to think of my many friends and all they've given to me over the years and my heart, each and every time, is full with the blessings each of them have been and are.

This weekend I was able to visit and see many of my friends, two of them experiencing major milestones in their lives.

This is Melissa and her fourth child, born last Thursday evening. What a great way to start my weekend!

I love love love this picture that Melissa's husband captured right after Emme was born. Isn't this what total love looks like?!

Melissa and I have known each other for about ... 26ish years. Maybe more. We have been close and we have been not so close. There's something about those close years that has kept our friendship strong, even during the not so close years. During one of my largest most heartbreaking difficulties as a teen she was my biggest fan, my biggest support. She is the reason I was able to come out of that time intact. I don't know if I've ever been able to return that support or love on the same level; although, I hope she knows how dear she is to me.

Heh heh. This is Jessica. Another friend for just about my whole life. She had just shot one of those candy necklace things up her nose. Heh heh. This coming Wednesday she turns 30. Her husband and parent's threw a huge Hawaiian themed birthday party for her on Saturday. It was so great to see her in all her center-of-attention glory. Jessica was one of my confidante's (wow...how do you spell that?!) while Mike and I were dating and during our first few years of marriage. Her baby is just a few weeks older than my oldest so these past few years we've found ourselves at very different points in life; she's working full time again, I'm still changing poopy diapers. Regardless, every time I visit with her it's like a breath of fresh air. At Halloween her mom bought me a box of Lik-M-Aids because we used to eat those all. the. time. For my 30th birthday Jessica got me a 7-11 gift card so I could buy slurpees because we used to eat those all. the. time. I just really love her; the youngest of my oldest friends.

Jessica used to have the best Barbie collection ever. My favorite doll was Jem (from Jem and the Holograms...oh yeah, you're singing the song, aren't you?!). She even had blinking earrings. One day, Jessica cut Jem's hair off. It almost ruined our friendship. When I would spend the night at her house, Jessica would make me scratch her back. Then when I would say, "Ok, I'm done. Now scratch mine." she'd pretend to be asleep.

Would you believe we've all been friends since elementary school? There's a few people missing from this picture who couldn't make it to the party but I love that I still get to see these women.

Oh...and Twyla, if you're reading this Brooklyn told me today that she was very sad when you didn't come to her birthday party and that you told her you were sad that she wasn't at yours. Apparently you had this conversation "yester night" at your house.

Here's one of the cool things about friends ... they have children. And our children can be friends and grow up together and in 30 years they can be attending each other's birthday parties and sharing stories about the old days. This is a picture of Levi and Simeon. Levi is my friend Andrea's son. He is about 4 months older than Simeon. Andrea and I have been friends for a really long time. We have been really good friends for just a few years. I am so glad our son's seem to be starting their really good friendship early on. And apart from the fact that Levi has two gauges in his face (courtesy of Simeon) and the fact that Simeon appears to have had one too many ... I think the friendship is pretty sweet.

Another really great thing about friends is that they like your children. This is Andrea. And Simeon refusing, again, to smile. There is something about seeing my friend snuggle my child that is so emotional for me. I just love it. And her. I love this.

I had to share this picture of Twyla because

1) My daughter blames her for every naughty thing she does, even though she's only met her once.

2) She loves my blog. She was reading it before I even made it public. She's a huge encouragement to me.

3) She's shameless. I love that about her. John Mayer anyone? Heh heh.

4) I love her.

5) Oh, and she also says things that get her into trouble. I won't embarrass her here, but I'll just say that when Twyla is around, I don't worry so much about what I say. Heh heh.

I'm overusing the heh's, aren't I? It's just that ... this weekend was fun. And I really love my friend's. And if I did a blog posting for each friend and why I love them I wouldn't have enough time.

So, for Jessica and Melissa...my two friends experiencing major milestones and life changes...

I love you both. So very very much.

Thank you for all you've given me over the years; your love, your advice, your patience, sometimes your money (!!) and most of all your friendship. You have helped to shape me into the woman I am today and I am honored to be your friend.

Thanks!

2010-08-13T16:48:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Yellow over at Ammo in the Dryer for the Beautiful Blogger Award. I'm supposed to list ten things about myself and pass it on. So...it's basically a blogging chain-letter! Ha! But, because I like to talk about myself, I shall follow the rules. Heh heh.

1. I say stupid stuff all the time. By stupid I mean offensive, off color, innapropriate. Sometimes I'm just trying to ask a question, because I'm genuinly curious, and it comes across as challenging or antagonizing. I don't intend for my words to come across that way but they just do. For example, at the last Cop's Wives Club meeting, in front of about 12 young children I said, rather loudly, "The only good thing about condoms is no clean-up." Or last night while putting my camera away at the hospital, after holding my friend's minutes old baby, I found the strap for my bathing suit randomly sitting in my camera case and I said, "Wow! That's the best thing that's happened all day!" I was totally kidding, and my friend knew it, but you can see how I get myself into trouble. (And yeah...that's just a very mild sampling. I really prefer to not totally humiliate myself.)

2. Right now I'm reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, that gal who wrote Eat, Pray, Love. I'm having a difficult time with it because I disagree with about 87% of what she's saying. I find it to be highly offensive in fact. But, I get the feeling that she's not trying to be offensive, it's just coming across that way. And as someone who is often on the wrong side of a misunderstanding (see #1), I keep reading and trying to understand her heart. Also, I never read Eat, Pray, Love so I'm pretty sure I'm missing a huge hunk of history there. Anyway, so far the book has made me feel more defensive of my marriage, more sure about the choices I've made as a wife and mother and more determined to protect the life that my husband and I have created together. Perhaps reading it is good for me then?

3. I hate eating apples unless they are cut up into slices. I'll eat one in a pinch, if I'm starving and we're running out the door for instance, but any other time it's got to be cut up into slices or chunks. There's just something about having to figure out how to take a bit without squirting juice all over or looking like an idiot that doesn't sit well with me.

4. I have this weird habit of counting syllables with my toes. When someone is talking and I find them to be exceptionally boring, or that I am nervous, I begin to count the syllables of what they've said with my pinky and big toes. And I always have to end the sentence on my left pinky toe; if it doesn't work I add or subtract words.

5. Are you freaked out yet? Still reading? Have I lost you?

I hate traffic. It's a weird phobia...I will rearrange my schedule a ridiculous amount in order to avoid it. My friend Jen used to tease me about it mercilessly. Once I'm stuck in traffic, I'm fine - it's just the anxiety I feel when I anticipate traffic that is bizarre.

6. I have the same hatred/fear of long lines.

7. I love the idea of buying local and being green and supporting the local farmer ... it's just that Costco has better prices and really...I love the idea of not spending as much money more than I love the local farmer. Sorry guys.

8. We've been out of debt for just over a year and I still struggle with wanting to use my credit card. We had to cancel every credit account we owned because I knew I would have NO self-control. If it's there, I'll use it. I still go to Target and find myself wishing that I could just buy whatever I saw.

9. I live less than one mile from my parent's. I always think we should move and then one of my kids throws up, or I get a migraine, or I'm tired, or I don't want to make dinner and my mom comes over right away (or I go over to their house) and I realize I've got it made and moving would be really really stupid.

10. I used to be one of the only people I knew with four children. Now...not so much. Sometimes I feel like we should have had one more just so we could be all like, "Yup...we've got five kids. It's no big deal...we're just awesome". Don't worry though...we won't.

I'd love to pass this award along to

Melissa at Ramblings of the Overwhelmed. As one of my oldest friends I find it still amazes me that there are things I don't know about her. Although she did just have her fourth baby last night...so I don't expect much!

and to

Momma K9 over at Tied by His Love. As one of my newest friends I think it is fun to continue learning new things about her.

Remember When Wednesday: The Debt Story Pt 8

2010-08-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

To catch up on our Debt Story go HERE

The house was in chaos as I worked on making dinner. Mike was making an attempt at conversation despite the children wreaking havoc around us.
"I think we should sell the car."
"What?" I questioned.
"I said, I think we should sell the car. Or cars."
"Ahaha....haha!" I laughed out loud at the suggestion. "Right."
Mike stared at me, unflinching. "No, I'm serious. Why not?"
I stared back at him, silent now, hoping that my swelling abdomen and the three children screaming while they ran in circles around us would clue him in to the 'why not's'.
"I mean, I was thinking, we could sell the Saturn, use some of the money to buy me another car, then maybe we could sell the Freestyle and get something less expensive."
I continued to stare.
"It's just, we own the Saturn outright, so if we sold it for ... I don't know, $3000, we could put $2500 towards our credit card. Then I could get a cheap old pick-up for getting to and from work and for doing stuff around the house. And if we sold the Freestyle private party we could pay off our loan and probably get something with the money leftover. Even if we couldn't sell it and make money, we could at least get into a car that has a smaller loan. It makes good sense."
"It makes no sense." I picked up our daughter who had just been run over by her older brothers. "Your Saturn gets perfectly amazing gas mileage. I don't want an old truck - we are not in a position to be putting money into a piece of crap car. And the Freestyle is amazing. I'm not giving it up. Did you forget...it has a DVD player. I'm not giving that up."
"Honey, think ab-"
"Also, there's a six disc cd-changer and a freaking DVD player."
He sighed loudly and pulled the boys off of each other.
"CD players are old school. They'll be obsolete in a few years."
"Don't lecture me on technology."
"Honey, just think about it. Or, at least, send Dave an email. See what he thinks."
I raised my eyebrows. "Oh, I'm pretty sure I know what Dave will say. 'You want your wife, who stays at home with three children and is pregnant with the fourth, to give up her car so you can fulfill your lifelong dream of having a beater pick-up truck? And you want her to drive a what? A mini-van from the '80's? Ah...' I'm pretty sure Dave will tell you to suck it."
"I'm pretty sure Dave Ramsey has never said suck it in his life."
"I'm pretty sure he'd say it to you."
We stared at each other, each of us holding a screaming child - while the other jumped up and down begging for someone to pick him up too.
Mike bent down and picked up the other boy, one in each arm now.
"Perhaps we should talk later. You know...when we're less crazy," he suggested calmly.
I gestured violently toward my stomach. "In case you haven't noticed," my voice was escalating, "we have a lot more crazy left!"
"Isn't pregnancy fun?!" his voice escalated back.
As maturely as I could muster I yelled out, "YOU CAN FINISH MAKING DINNER!"
I spun around, marched into our bedroom, screaming daughter on my hip, and slammed the door behind me.

***

I felt bad about the exchange the night before. I knew Mike was trying to think of ways to get us out of debt sooner so we could get back to living a normal life. I knew I couldn't give up the car and I knew getting a beater was out of the question. I knew Mike was being stupid. So I sat down and typed out an email to Dave.

Hi Dave,

We are on Baby Step #2 and have a question about our car. We have one car paid off that my husband uses to commute. It gets great gas mileage, but we can sell it and use a good chunk of the profits towards our debt and have enough left over to get him something else to commute in. He would like to buy an old beater truck and I'd like him to buy another commuter type car that gets decent gas mileage so we don't have to worry about rearranging the gasoline portion of our budget. Should we sell the car to obtain our goals more quickly, and if so, what should we replace it with?
Thank you for your time,
Genesis

I knew how this was going to go. It was going to go my way. Because I was pregnant and I was right. I was sure of it.

***

I sat down with the Total Money Makeover and began reading where I had left off. Dave was talking about being so intense in getting out of debt that everything else (almost) takes a back seat. He said to start selling things, sell so much that the kids think they are next. Heh heh. I liked that idea. And then he said ...

"I do recommend that most people sell the car with the most debt on it...If you have a car or a boat that you can't pay off in eighteen to twenty months, sell it. It is just a car. I used to love my car, too, but I found keeping that huge debt while trying to get out of debt was like running a race wearing ankle weights. Get a Total Money makeover, so later you can drive anything you want and pay cash for it. ... 'I love my stupid car more than the idea of becoming wealthy...' Don't make that mistake."

I let out a low groan. I hate it, loathe it, when I am wrong.
I sheepishly approached Mike.
"So, um...Dave says that um...well, I guess maybe we could think about possibly selling the car. Or cars."
"Oh, wow...um. Are you sure he didn't say to suck it?" He smiled at me sideways.
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"So, what do we do now. Do we sell both cars? Or just one?"
Mike smiled at me full on now, happy that I was on his side.
"I was thinking we could sell the Saturn. I've been looking at cars that will be big enough for our family and it seems that if we sell the Freestyle we'll still have to get a loan for another car - about $10-12,000. It doesn't really make a huge difference since we only owe just over $14,000 on the Freestyle. So, I think we should sell the Saturn and keep the Freestyle."
I was so relieved. So very relieved.
"What," I asked, "do you think we should buy to replace the Saturn?"
"Well...I've been wanting to start getting in shape. What if we bought a bicycle for me to ride to work?"
I tried not to laugh. "Honey, you work almost 20 miles away. Also, what happens in the fall or winter when you can't ride the bike?"
"Well ... you just ... stay at home." He tensed up as he said this. I knew he was nervous about my reaction.
I exhaled slowly while I thought about what he was suggesting.
"This is a good year for it, " I said. "With Lincoln starting school and the baby coming I won't really be going anywhere anyhow."
Mike stared at me, pensive.
"I mean it, " I assured him. "I think me staying at home could work. I don't know about the bike thing ... but I think I could stay home for a bit. It just...it'll be an adventure."

So we listed the Saturn on Craigslist for $3700 and waited to see if someone would bite.

I took a little creative license with this post. Although the events are totally true, I may have exaggerated the drama a teeny bit. It just makes things more interesting, you know? Mike says I should have made him look like the jerk...of course, him saying that is the exact reason I couldn't. That man is too nice to me.

To be continued...

A Series of Haiku's for my Children

2010-08-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

The bathroom should be
A holy and sacred place
Uninterrupted.

I like to shower
And shave my legs by myself
Alone, without you.

Unless there is blood
Or dismemberment or pain
Let me poop alone.

I would like to wipe
My bottom without those eyes
Staring at my butt.

When I am naked
You need leave my bedroom
And hope you forget.

Although I love you
And would give my life for you
Seriously. Leave. Now.

How we Roll ... or something like that

2010-08-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

Last night we went over to my cousin's house.
She and her husband have three boys.
Mike and I have three boys. And a girl. My girl just so happens to be named after this particular cousin. She is very dear to me. She was my maid-of-honor and I was her matron-of-honor and she and her husband used to come over and watch Heroes at our house every Monday night. When Heroes was actually cool before it got lame. And when our children would actually fall asleep in a play pen and/or nurse to sleep.

I digress.

With six boys (and a girl) between the two of us, play dates and can be a little ... loud.

With six boys (and a girl) and two husbands between the two of us, dinner at each other's house can be a little ...

well ...

a lot ...

like

this.

I do wonder if it's weird that

a) I stood on a table to get this picture.

b) I smiled and laughed a lot.

c) I didn't worry that my only daughter was being pummeled by a pacifier wielding diaper wearing child.

d) I ate a lot of cake.

e) My children ate all of their dinner.

f) My daughter only cried when she couldn't make it to the top of the pig pile.

Actually, I know it's not weird that I ate a lot of cake. That is, most certainly, how I roll.

Totally Random Hoodie

2010-08-06T18:33:00.000-07:00

1. We got an envelope in the mail today. My first thought was, "Oh Lord...not another bill." Turns out it was the recap from my family reunion last month. Phew. Reading the letter made me tear up; it wasn't mushy or anything but it just had family and love oozing from it. This is family that I don't even know but I really desperately want to know them. So I always want to go to the reunion but it's in Pennsylvania which is just a mere 2600 miles from where I am currently located. ( Google maps informs me if I want to walk it would take me 33 days 18 hours and to be careful because there may not be sidewalks. ) Anyway, Linda, if you're reading this...I really want to be there!

2. I found a really cute top at Target on the clearance rack. I was very excited about it. I put it in my cart...and then noticed the Liz Lange Maternity tag. Heavy sigh. I cannot win.

3. Speaking of clothing, I'd really like to begin dressing like I know what I'm doing. Growing up from jeans and t-shirts, that sort of thing. I asked Amelia to take me shopping but then she got pregnant and I never have an extra $500 lying around so it hasn't happened. (I realize I probably don't need $500...it's just that I want to have $500 to spend...if I wish. And I do. Wish. Not have.) Amelia always looks great. And she can accessorize. She has a great scarf or earrings or necklace or bracelet to go with every outfit. And her shoes ... I can't even go there. I don't know how she does it. I just want to dress like that and look that put together all the time. But more than that...
I want to wear my sweats, baggy t-shirt and no bra.

4. I cannot win.

5. As I was making dinner tonight and adding chili seasoning to my pot of chili (yes...I know that's cheating) I remembered that a few years ago Mike's sister in law made chili and said, "Oh, be careful. I added chili powder...it's spicy." And then we all laughed and laughed because ... chili powder? Spicy? It still makes me laugh. She was on fire and the rest of us were all like, "Where's the salsa?"

6. We've decided to homeschool.

7. When do I need to get rid of this hoodie? Or at least, stop wearing it in public?

I can't seem to bring myself to get rid of it. I ~~stole~~ borrowed it from my sister before I had children. Then I wore it while I was pregnant. Then I wore it while I was pregnant. Then I wore it while I was pregnant. Then I wore it while I was pregnant. Is there an echo in here? Then I wore it when I wasn't pregnant. So not only is it riddled with holes, it looks like a pregnant woman should be wearing it. Or, more accurately, the woman who is wearing it must be pregnant.

8. My friend Melissa is going to have her fourth baby any day now. She just moved home from Colorado Springs. I missed her and I'm glad she's back. And that she's bringing a new baby with her. And her 11 month old. And her 6 and 7 year old. And her husband. But mostly the new baby.

9. My children went to VBS (vacation Bible school) two weeks in a row. Lincoln came home and started reading the Bible on his own and asking all sorts of questions. It made me happy. We got a CD of music of the songs they sang from Momma K9's neighbor and one in particular made me cry.
From the page to your heart
God's Word is where you are
Read it now and your life will change
It's exciting, surprising, each and every day
Read it now and your life will change
God's Word will surprise you
God's Word will amaze you
God's Word will surprise you
Read it now and your life will change
Oh how your life will change.
The song seems kind of bossy now that I've typed it out. Bossy in a Dora the Explorer kind of way ... you know, 'Say it with me. Say it! SAY IT!'
Regardless, I cried because it's really true. God's Word does meet me right where I'm at and reading it changed my life. It continues to change my life. It does amaze and surprise me. I won't force anyone else to read it ... but pretty much, it will change your life. More than Dave Ramsey.

10. I was asked to consider doing a photo shoot for a band. I've been obsessing over it more than I should be. And worrying about if I can do it well enough. And having a hard time believing someone may actually pay me to take pictures.

11. I have four photo shoots scheduled that are NOT of bands. I have not been obsessing over them because they are within my comfort zone. I plan on doing a great job. I wonder if I would actually work out for me to take pictures and make money.

12. I like country music. I cry every time Brad Paisley comes on. I think that's pathetic.

Remember When Wednesdays: The Debt Story Pt 7...and the Winner!

2010-08-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all who entered my first little giveaway. All of your comments really touched me. I could hear a little of myself in all of them and it was really difficult for me to only have one winner. In fact, I stared at the little bowl with all the numbers in it for awhile thankful that my son was going to be choosing the winner because it was just too hard for me!
The winner is Sister Copinherhair. Her comment was : Right now, I would have to say it is my credit cards followed by my car payment. I dream of not having those. But it is hard trying to pay for a house and kid by myself. Send an email with your mailing info to iheartacop@gmail.com and your book will be on it's way!
To everyone else who would like a copy of this book, Amazon has some used editions for less than $8 a copy, plus shipping. I've also seen his book at Half Price Books, so if you have one in your area check there. Also, he is very popular right now and chances that someone you know has a copy of his book that you can borrow are very high. If you go to Dave Ramsey's website you can choose to find a station in your area that plays his show or you can listen to the podcast, or listen live if the show is taping. I would encourage you to listen to the show, especially on "Debt Free Fridays" when callers call in with their story of how much debt they had and how they got out of it. You will truly be inspired.
Thank you again for reading our story. There IS hope out there!

According to Dave Ramseys' Total Money Makeover there were seven baby steps to follow.
#1 - Start a $1000 emergency fund.
Thankfully, we already had that out of the way.
#2 - Pay off all debt using the debt snowball.
We were to list all our debts, beginning with the smallest, and pay that one off first. We had rolled all our credit cards onto one card since it had a great promotional rate so the only debts, apart from our mortgage, we were dealing with was the one credit card and our car.
#3 - Build 3-6 months in an emergency savings account.
Before we had sat down with Dawn we'd never had more than $100 in savings at one time; $1000 had seemed impossible. Looking at 3-6 months expenses meant we'd need about $9000-$18,000. That really seemed impossible...but if we could pay off all our debt, maybe it wouldn't be such a difficulty.
The other baby steps were great to learn about, but I knew it would be awhile before we had to apply them so I read the basics but saved the details for a later date.
I got to work on our new budget - hope and determination fueling me.
When I finished, I looked at our new budget with a little bit of disbelief. Were we really going to be able to put over $650 a month toward our credit card? How was that even possible? I carefully looked at every line of the budget, I scrutinized every bill. Yes...there was still money for groceries. Granted, it was only $200 per pay period, but that was more than I had been using when we first sat down with Dawn. Yes...there was gas money. The cell phone bill was getting paid, the internet would stay connected...everything was in order. With Mike's recent raise, our recent drop in the mortgage payment and our willingness to give up some of our spending money we were going to be adding an additional $200 to our credit card. I was dumbfounded...I hadn't known we would have that much extra. I called Mike over ot the computer and he looked over my shoulder.
"Wow," he uttered with the same amazement that I felt. "That ... is ... awesome."
"I also made this," I said and showed him a goal sheet. "Dave says in his book that one lady listed her goals and put them on her fridge. Then every time she walked by it she would do a little dance and say, 'oh yeah!'. It sounds dumb but look...I think if we have goals for when we want everything paid off it will keep us motivated. So, I picked some dates..." I handed him the sheet.

His eyebrows shot up. "You think we can pay off our credit card by next April? And our car by the following November? Do you even know how much we owe? I don't know if that is possible honey."
"No. I don't know how much we owe. But look...we can reward ourselves with a vacation!"
He smirked at me. "Let's figure out what's possible first."
So we got out our credit card statement and our car statement and quickly added the balances together. It was just under $27,000.
"Still think we can pay it off in 18 months? That's roughly $1500 each month...and we've got $650 available. Where's the other $850 going to come from?" he challenged.
"I don't know!" I paused for a minute, drew in a deep breath, then said "Look, I know these are impossible goals. We can readjust them, but I just think we should try - we've got stuff to sell, I'm sure there will be overtime...I really think we should at least try."
"Ok," he said. "Then we'll get it done." I loved having his support; although he challenged me I knew he was trying to make me think. I knew I wouldn't be able to do this without having him board 100%.
"You know what I've been wondering?" I asked him. "How much total debt we have...I mean with our mortgage and what we have rolled into it. We bought our house for $165,000 right? But now we owe more than that because we refinanced and used that money to buy a car, pay off credit cards...how much of our mortgage is debt we should be paying off the old fashioned way?"
Mike exhaled a deep breath while doing the math in his head.
"We'd need to add another $67,000."
I stared at him in disbelief. "What did we do with $67,000?!" I exclaimed. "That's like...$94,000 all together! Are you kidding me?!"
"Well, we paid off our Expedition...that was about 15 grand...and we've paid off two credit cards...each had about 10-12 grand on them ... and the rest we put into the house. I think."
"So, do we add that $67,000 into what we're paying off? I will definitely have to change the goals."
"What does the book say about the mortgage?" he asked.
"It says that you pay the mortgage off at the end. It shouldn't be part of the debt snowball. It's baby step six or something."
"Well, what's done is done. We'll stick to the plan and go with the $27,000. Thankfully we're in a fixed rate mortgage so we can pay it all off when we get to baby step six."
I was relieved. As on board with paying off the debt as I was, and even if we could come up with the extra $850 each month, if we had to pay off $94,000 it was going to take us at least five years. If we couldn't come up with that money ... it was going to take much longer. The $27,000 seemed within reason, attainable...and I really felt that we'd be able to find that extra money each month. I just wasn't sure how.

***
I knew we needed a few things for the baby. After Brooklyn had been born I was pretty sure we were done having children and had given away most of our things; plus, most of our things were used when we got them and they had been used by three of our children. I was hoping to get some new stuff. I looked at our church's classifieds and saw that one of my friend's was selling a bouncy seat for $15. I emailed her and asked her if she'd take $10. She said she'd have it at church on Sunday.
It wasn't the exact bouncer I wanted, but it would work. I was thankful to have found something for $10. I was using my precious spending money and it was difficult to part with it, even if it was for something I knew we would need. I tossed the seat in the back of the car, finished buckling the kids in and headed for home.
It was getting to be difficult to get the kids to and from church by myself. Mike was with me every other weekend but with my middle was more and more obvious and my children were only getting heavier; I wondered how I would be able to keep it up ... and I still had three months left.
I was exhausted as I pulled into the driveway; the kids were hungry and I was ready for a nap. The kids ran for the front door while I walked around to the back of the car to retrieve the bouncer seat. I reached up to close the lift-gate and something in the driveway next to the house caught my eye. I closed the lift gate and walked over to the house. There, in the gravel, half buried in the muck, was a ring. My ring. The ring Mike had bought me for our 5th anniversary; the ring I had somehow misplaced and been looking for for three years.
It wasn't possible.
I bent down closer and picked it up. It was my ring. I burst into tears. Three years I'd spent combing through vehicles and our home. I'd scoured my parent's house and yelled at my children and begged God to show me where it was. When we'd sold our car and my parent's had torn their house down to the studs for their remodel, I knew it was gone for good. Mike had been disappointed; it had hurt his feelings.
I fumbled to pull my phone out of my purse.
"Honey..." I was crying too hard to talk well.
"What's wrong? Are you ok? Is the baby ok?" He was worried.
"Honey, I found the ring," I managed to say.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"My ring! MY RING! I found it...it was HERE in the driveway!"
"No. Way." I could tell he was choking up. "Are you serious?!"
I told him how it had just caught my eye; that we'd been walking past it all this time.
"Three years!" he exclaimed. "Are there any diamonds missing? Any sapphires?"
"It's dirty but it's all still in one piece!"
We both laughed excitedly as I placed the ring back on my finger. I was in total disbelief.

When I told to story to Mike's dad he looked at my sweetly and gently said,
"You know...isn't it interesting that you guys have started to get your finances in order just now? I really feel like this is God's way of telling you that you are on the right track. He wants to bless your obedience."

And I did feel blessed. Very, very blessed. In the coming years, when it was difficult to follow the plan, when I wanted to spend money I didn't have, when I wanted to quit, I knew I'd be able to look at my ring and remember where we'd been ... and where we were going.

To be continued...

God Made Dirt

2010-07-31T18:18:00.000-07:00

A few years ago this tree was causing us major problems.

It's needles were dropping all over our grass. Mike decided a good solution (since we're pretty sure our neighbor wouldn't want to cut it down) would be to turn the area underneath it into a play area. We killed all the grass and intended on refilling the area with pea gravel or rubber chips but started on our journey to getting out of debt and the area under the tree was placed at the bottom of the "to-do" list.

This is what it looks like now.

I really don't care that it's an ugly, grassless patch in our backyard. It's fenced in after all, so we're the only ones who have to look at it.

The problem is ...

And the fact that I finally found our missing dishes ...

I don't really mind the dirt.

But I do mind when the dirt does this ...

And it really bothers me when this little girl

says, "Don't worry Mom! I cleaned myself all by myself!"

Because I know it means ...

I gave the kids a bath before dinner. Just as they were drying off and I was draining the noodles for our spaghetti I thought ... WAIT! SPAGHETTI?!

Sigh...perhaps I am a glutton for punishment.

Reminder

2010-07-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

Just a reminder that tomorrow is the deadline for my giveaway for a copy of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover! My kids are very excited to pull YOUR number out of a hat ... uh, I mean, the computer generator is all warmed up and ready to go!

Tell your friends - send 'em HERE to enter!!

The Way We Vacay

2010-07-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

We left early last Friday morning for Hamilton, Montana. It's this little town in the Bitteroot Valley; quiet and quaint and home to one of our favorite families - La Familia Lopez. Laura and Julian...they are some of the coolest people you'd ever meet. I'm not really even sure how Laura and I became so close but Mike met them when they were all in Maui with YWAM. When Mike and I were engaged they sent him a wedding invite and I thought that Julian sort of looked like Jesus and then they got married and we got married and every once in awhile I would email Laura and then we had a baby and they had a baby and Laura and I emailed a little bit more and then we had another baby and we emailed a lot more and then they had their daughter and named her my exact name and then I loved them beyond words. And now we all have a bundle of babies and email when we can find a minute to sit down and type and getting an email from her is like a lifeline for me. She is a kindred spirit to be sure.

Laura is just one of those women you want to be like. She is soft spoken and kind and comfortable in her own skin and confident in who she is. She is a friend who makes me want to be a better person, to follow God more, to be nicer. She encourages me to be a better mother and to walk more closely with the Lord. She challenges me in my marriage and my world view. She does all of this without even knowing it. Just by being who she is she encourages me to be a better me. These things are just the tip of the iceberg for what kind of a person Laura is. She and Julian have a nomadic kind of spirit and are willing to go wherever the Lord takes them. These last couple of years have been challenging for them; they have been wronged and discouraged and yet they take it all in stride, letting it make them stronger and draw them closer to each other and to God and they move on; keep seek God and what direction He is taking them, and honestly, I've never heard them bad-mouth anyone. Simply put, Laura and Julian are amazing.

A few summer's ago they came and spent a few days with us at our house. It happened quite by accident. Julian was a groomsman in a wedding that just happened to be in our neck (ish) of the woods and Laura emailed to see if we'd like to meet for dinner while they were here and we insisted they stay with us and let us host them. (Uh...you may remember how this visit impacted us if you've been reading along with our debt story. ) That was the first time I'd met them face to face and the first time Mike had seen them in about six or seven years but we just fit together like old friends should. The next summer they met us for a few days at the "Special House", the name reserved for the vacation home my aunt and uncle built and the few days we were together were amazingly refreshing for me. Last year we meant to go out to see them but we were at the tail end of paying off our debts and decided we couldn't spring the money and my heart was quite seriously broken by the thought of not seeing my friend for another year. This year we made the plan to visit them, if for nothing else than my own sanity, and we finally made the journey over to see them. My only regret is not staying longer.

Within minutes of arriving Brooklyn and little Genesis were best friends. It didn't hurt that Laura had purchased them matching princess tiaras, wands and skirts.

This is the view from their living room window. Laura says their house is old and small but ... this view. I'm sure. They could live in a shack and this view would make up for it.

We went sapphire mining. How awesome is that? We are now officially 5 carats richer in uncut sapphires than we were a week ago. Sa-weet.

I totally forget the name of these falls. It starts with an 's'.

Wouldn't this be the best family picture if we only had three children? And if everyone were wearing pants.

I still can't get over the view. Seriously. Playing in the kiddie pool with this view? Do they even get how cool this is?

And Judah threw a fit. Odd.

And Brooklyn tried to play the guitar. I'm framing this picture.

Ezra. Ah. Dorable.

Cheeto baby. My baby. Kiss kiss.

These boys ... oh boy. Trouble.

The little girl who was named for me. At least, that's what I tell myself. Laura let's me believe it.

Mike and I got up one morning and this is what Laura was doing. Reading a book to 7 children. Did I mention she's an amazing mother?

First theme park ride.

La Familia Lopez. This was taken at the end of a 10 hour day of riding rides, water slides, and eating insane amounts of sugar. Also, Julian has West Nile Virus. Did I mention that? Yeah. Literally infected with a deadly disease and trucking along at Silverwood like it was no big deal.

This vacation was good for my soul. It was good for my marriage. It was good for my family and it was good for my friendship.

Laura, my dear friend, I already miss you and I cannot wait for our next visit.

This Morning

2010-07-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

We have been gone on a wonderful fabulous relaxing exciting amazing vacation.

And, since we think we are still teenagers, decided we could make the five and a half hour drive home after spending the entire day at a theme park.

Next time, will someone please remind us we are in our 30's?

Thank you.

What 3:30 a.m. looks like.

Remember When Wednesdays: The Debt Story Pt 6

2010-07-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

I wandered through Target with the gift registry in hand; I finally had a few dollars to buy someone a wedding gift but was frustrated that I didn't have enough to buy a nice gift. I settled on a cookie sheet, then purchased some flour, sugar, cinnamon and baking powder. I planned on giving my cousin Mike's sister's recipe for the best snickerdoodles ever. It felt cheap but it felt better than showing up at a bridal shower empty handed.
I walked into my mom's house and was greeted by cousins, aunts, my sisters and mom. I always love when my family gets together, especially when we are celebrating something so special like a baby or a wedding. My cousin, Jessica, was glowing with excitment. There had been some awkwardness between us for a bit as she had asked me to be a bridesmaid and I'd had to say no because I knew I couldn't afford it. It was difficult for me and I tried to explain that with the pregnancy, the three kids, Mike's work schedule and finances I wouldn't be able to. She was gracious about it but I knew she'd been disappointed.
We all settled into our normal family get-together routine quickly. Telling stories, laughing, teasing, laughing, crying followed by more laughing and of course, lots of eating. We ooo'ed and awww'ed at Jessica's gifts, cried and laughed while she talked about how she met Doug and knew he was 'the one' and asked all sorts of questions about the wedding ceremony. My aunt's all cried when my Grandma who had recently passed away was mentioned and as things began to wrap up everyone settled into separate conversations.
I began talking with Marci. She was always such fun to talk to. She was married to my cousin Jesse; he's a pastor and she's a pharmacist. Jesse and I had been close since childhood and I really loved to call them Mr. and Dr. Jesse just to get under his skin. I began to tell Marci about our finances and how finally we had some breathing room. I told her quietly about our mountain of debt we were trying to escape from and how far we'd come since the beginning. I explained that Mike had recently got a raise and that our refi had gone through so we had more money every month to play with and we had decided to add to our credit card payment and to give ourselves a bit more spending money. She listened to my story and expressed excitement at what we were doing.
Then she said something that would change the course of my life and forever alter the way I viewed finances.
"Have you ever heard of Dave Ramsey?" she asked.
"Huh-uh," I replied, "who is he?"
"A financil advisor. He has a radio show and helps people get out of debt. Gen, you have to listen to his show. It's amazing. He has this book that I've been reading, The Total Money Makeover, and it is full of stories of people who make hardly any money and pay off insane amounts of debt. I have seriously cried reading some of these stories. If those people could do it, then we can...and so can you. How much debt do you have?"
"I guess I really don't know. Maybe $10,000 on the credit card. We have a car payment too but doesn't everyone?" I asked.
"Yeah, um...you should get his book."
"Do you really think we need it? I mean, I told you all we've been doing...savings, budget, paying extra on the credit card. What more is there?"
"Dave has Baby Steps," she explained. "You've already done the first one, which is establishing $1000 in an emergency fund. The next one, you're also working on, paying off your debt. But Dave's plan, it's intense. He talks about gazelle's, how the run away from danger. He says we should be gazelle intense about getting out of debt. He says "Live like no one else, so later, you can live like no one else." I think it would just ampliphy what you and Mike are already working on."
"Do you have the book with you? Can I borrow it?"
She paused for a moment before saying, "I'm pretty sure my brother has it but I think I have the workbook in my car."
"Well, I could take a peek at it, if you don't need it, and see if I even want to read the book."
Marci ran out to her car and brought back the book. She sheepishly handed it to me. "I've marked it up. It has how much I make and how much debt we have and stuff. Just ... you know, ignore it?"
I laughed as I grabbed the workbook from her. "Do not worry Marc."
I could see other people, watching us, listening to our conversation. I was proud of what Mike and I had accomplished to this point so I wasn't embarrassed, but I could see a few people roll their eyes as Marci talked with excitement about working to get out of debt. Her enthusiasm was contagious to me though and I thought that perhaps this Dave Ramsey would have something to offer us. When people started leaving the shower I walked Marci out to her car.
"Gen, read the book. I mean it. Dave Ramsey...he will change your life. He's changed ours."
I didn't really think our lives could change anymore than they had during the last six months but I appreciated Marci's encouragement so I knew she must have a lot of debt, having gone to the University of Washington to get her degree, and if she thought Dave Ramsey would change our lives, I was apt to believe her.
When I got home I got back into the grind; making dinner, bathing the kids, getting on the jammies, putting them to bed. After everyone had settled in for the night I remembered Marci's workbook. I sat down on the couch, turned on the TV, and began reading.

The first page began;

Key Concept #1
No Money ... Is No Fun
I remember the feelings vividly. For several years in my twenties, I faced the end of every month with dread. I had too much month left at the end of my money. I was not having fun.
I wasn't afraid of hard work and sacrifice. I didn't need a secret formula for making money; I didn't need a positive-thinking guru to pump me up and tell me to have a positive attitude. I was simply sick and tired of being sick and tired when it came time to "do the bills." I fet hopeless, as if I were running a financial race with no traction and no ground covered. Money came in and money went out, with nothing REAL to show for my effort or income. (The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey, Ch. 1)

Whoa. I felt like he knew me, like he knew our struggles and what we were going through. I felt as if I could have written that first page. Although we were finally using a budget and able to pay our bills I still felt like there was nothing real to show for our effort or income.
I kept reading. Every page talked to me. Dave indeed used words like "gazelle intensity" when he talked about getting out of debt. He said all debt was bad, even a car payment. I was shocked. Everyone has a car payment, don't they? He said to sell whatever we needed to sell to get out of debt. He said that being "normal" was bad when it came to finances, that we should desire to be completely debt free, to be "weird". He said most people, following his baby steps, could be debt free (minus their mortgage) in two years or less.
I was hooked and got online to reserve the actual book at the library; I was number 347 on the holds list. Apparently Dave was popular enough and knew enough about what he was talking about that other people were listening to him. I ordered the book from Amazon instead and returned to reading the workbook. I finished a 245 page workbook in less than 24 hours.

When Mike came home from work the next night I asked him to read the workbook too.
"It's uh...life changing," I said.
"We already changed our life," he said.
"Yeah, but...this is...different. Really different. More intense, more focused. Just read it. Please?"
"Just tell me about it. Please?"
So I did. I gave him a brief rundown of the book. I told him I wanted to rework our budget, that I wanted to get intense about paying off our debt, that I thought we could pay off our credit card and our car in less than two years.
"Less than two years?!" he cried. "Are you kidding me? Do you even know how much debt we have?"
"Think of how much money we'll have every month if we don't have any debt payments," I pleaded. "Think of it...what, an extra $500 at least, probably more. Wouldn't that be nice? No more wishing for things, no more daydreaming about vacation...we'd really get to do it! Just read the book. Please. Read the book."
He sighed heavily, took the book from me and headed for the bathroom.

He came and found me later.
"Honey," he said, "if you think that we can do this, then get it started. It seems impossible to me, but I'm on your side and I will work with you to get every penny paid off."
"Ok. As soon as the book arrives I'll read it to see if it's more in depth than the workbook and we'll get started. Tomorrow though, I'm reworking the budget. It's only been a few weeks since we increased our spending money and other things, so I think we could go back to where we were. Are you ok with that?"
His eyes widened as he thought about only having $20 to spend every two weeks.
"Remember the $500 you could have if we do this? That's worth it, isn't it?"
"Like I said, I trust you. Rework whatever you need to rework. Just tell me what I have and don't have ... and I'll finish reading the workbook."

I smiled. I knew we were headed into another financial adventure and this time, we were going to be in control. We were going to tell our money what to do. I could not wait to sit down with my budget in the morning.

To be continued...

*As a reward for reading this far...
I'll be doing my first ever giveaway! I will be sending out a copy of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover to one lucky winner. Click HERE to read a brief rundown of the book.
To enter simply leave a comment saying what your biggest hurtle to getting out of debt is.
Entries will be accepted until 9 pm PST on August 1 and a winner will be announced during my Remember When Wednesday post on August 4.
The winner will be selected at random. Good luck!
**Dave Ramsey has no clue who I am and therefore, has nothing to do with this giveway. All costs will be covered by yours truly...well, Mike actually since he's the one who brings home the bacon. But I'll take the credit.

First Family Photo Shoot

2010-07-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

I did my first family photo shoot for my sister the other day. It was tough for a couple of reasons...ok, really only one reason.
Aaron, my brother in law, has tall hair. It always looks good. And it is always tall.

I'm not a professional yet AARON! I can't always get your HAIR in the shot! ARGH!

But it's still a cute picture.

Here are the rest of my fav's. I know I've got a ways to go as far as how the technicality of everything goes, and especially how the editing goes, but it's coming along. I'm thankful for all the friends and family who are letting me experiment on them.

My sister is amazing. She gave birth to this little chub-a-lub at home. Her first labor and delivery and she breezes through it. Perhaps breeze is a bit of an understatement...regardless, she's amazing. You should meet her.

I know these pictures are kind of cliche and everyone does them, but I think the reason everyone does them is because they are really cute. Especially when you are a fat baby and your parents like each other. And your dad has tall perfect hair.

Ahahahaha!

I can't decide if she is praying, tolerating, or wincing. Or all three?

Either way, this one's getting framed.

My sister has a thing for feet pictures. I wanted to get hands in there too.

Happy families are the best, aren't they?

And thumb's up to you too Boo. Thanks for letting me take pictures of the fam.

Jamie the very worst missionary

2010-07-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Recently whilst purusing the site Stuff Christians Like I somehow happened upon Jamie the Very Worst Missionary. I really really like her. A lot. I like her in the sort of, "I wish you could be my BFF" kind of way. She's honest, and funny, and a Christian ... and well...a missionary. I'll admit that I'm sort of a stalker and I hope she'll post something today because I really want something to think about and laugh about and say, "Oh Jamie...you are so funny and SO right!"
Lucky me because she did post something today so I had a little laugh before getting my family ready for church. I think you should check out her blog, especially today's post, if you need a good chuckle. And also if you need something to mull over and challenge you. Ok, maybe the mulling should be reserved for some of her other posts...regardless, check her out!

If you can't spank 'em, join 'em. By Jamie the Very Worst Missionary

Summer! ... or ... Summer?

2010-07-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

Why my bathtubs are never clean... OR ...

Why my children are never clean ... OR...

Both.

Remember When Wednesdays: The Debt Story Pt 5

2010-07-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

As a segue into the next chapter of our journey to debt freedom I wanted to post an email that I sent to Dawn, the woman who helped us start our path to debt freedom, at the beginning of April 2008. It is difficult for me to remember the order of events accurately for the first four months of that year with the pregnancy and a whirlwind of other things going on in our life. I thought I would share the email to give you a quick glimpse into what we had accomplished to that point. Next week I will begin to share about the major turning point in our journey. Thanks for reading! - Gen)

Hi Dawn!

I wanted to update you on how Mike and I have been doing financially since we sat down with you in October.

Our first success came when we needed to buy new tires for our car. Since we'd been putting Mike's extra into our savings account we actually had the cash to pay for them. It was the first time that I could remember paying cash for a big purchase like that. It nearly cleared out the savings we had, but it felt really good to get our credit card statement and see the balance was actually going down still. At Christmas we followed the "plan" and used all of Mike's overtime and holiday pay to pay for gifts. We still probably overspent but everything was done in cash, and once again, when Januray came around it just felt so great that we didn't add to our debt.

At the beginning of Januray, Mike got a cost of living raise and we were able to start having some flexibility in our budget and we were no longer dependent upon him receiving overtime to meet our budget. We decided with whatever extra he earned over our minimum we would take 10% of that and tithe it, and the rest would go towards our credit card. It feels funny sometimes to make a tithe of less than $10, but it has been so wonderful to see how God has blessed and honored us because we chose to obey Him in getting our finances under control.

With our tax return in February we finished filling our savings to $1000, put $500 towards a clothing budget, took our mini-vacation (We were going to stay in a hotel in Seattle, and decided instead to stay at home w/o the kids for a couple nights and then spend less money and take the kids to Leavenworth to play in the snow. It made for some good memories. Although Mexico would have been nice we had such a relaxing time and the kids still talk about how much fun they had) We were able to pay cash for every little bit of it, and we were able to put some money on the card to lower the balance.

This month, Mike got his step raise at work, and this coming Monday we close on our refinance, our first EVER with NO CASH BACK!. Mike's income has increased by over $300 a month and our mortgage payment is dropping by nearly $200 a month. With his raise we were able to add money into our grocery, spending money, and credit card payment so my stress load has highly decreased. With our new mortgage payment we will be able to add nearly $200 extra a month to our credit card payment. It has been so incredible for me to watch the minimum payment due decrease every month and knowing that we are paying MORE than they expect and are actually lowering what we owe.

In January we found out we are expecting again (in August) and I told Mike I'm so amazed that we will have 4 children and one income, and we will be doing better financially than when we had no kids and a dual income (In fact, this year Mike will probably make what we did on a dual income, but he hasn't quite yet. It's amazing to see how much we wasted) I'm hopeful that with our stimulus and our month without a mortgage payment we can throw a good chunk against the credit card and also be able to buy the things we are going to need for baby. Our insurance also doesn't cover well child check-ups or physicals so we are planning on setting some money into an account so we will always be able to pay cash for our doctor visits. We've talked a lot about what we will do with the money we get (laptop, treadmill, new lawn mower, etc.) and for the first time I can think of we decided we have credit card debt because we were impatient in getting things and weren't willing to wait for them - and that we need to pay for THOSE things before we buy new things. It's been a total change in mindset and it feels good!

Anyhow, I just wanted to thank you again for teaching that class. We needed it so much and like I said before, God has blessed us beyond what we thought simply because we chose to obey. It has been a wonderful experience and I look forward to continue living this way. I have had a few people, who don't even go to our church, ask me to keep them posted on when you do the class again. In fact, one of my cousins visited with me and told me later she went home and actually set out their budget. She was so excited about it! Kind of like me.

Thanks again Dawn. You have been a huge blessing our family.

Lovingly, Genesis

The Unpopular Voice

2010-07-12T15:34:00.000-07:00

The other day I was chatting with our neighbor. She's a great lady, older, single. She raises her great-grandson. Her daughter, Cynthia*, actually has custody of him, but she works full-time with a second part-time job so Judi* takes care of Jacob* quite a bit of the time. Jacob's mom, MaryAnne*, is a mess. She's in and out of drug rehab, in and out of jail, never has any money, etc. etc. Judi and her daughter are great women but totally enable MaryAnne's choices. Thankfully (and hopefully) I haven't experienced that with my own children so I can't really pass any judgement, but it is difficult to see how MaryAnne's choices affect not only her son, but her entire family.
A few months ago MaryAnne's boyfriend overdosed while at Judi's house. We came home and there were ambulances and police cars everywhere. Less than two weeks later Judi came home and found MaryAnne near dead in her bathroom; another drug overdose. Thankfully, both times, Jacob wasn't there. But the last time, MaryAnne's last overdose, was it for Judi. She hasn't really talked to MaryAnne or given her money or shelter since. I know it is painful for her, but I'm proud of her for taking a stand. Someone needs to.
So Judi and I were chatting and she was telling me about what was going on and we were talking about Jacob, who my children love, and she mentioned that MaryAnne had come by the other day and told her she was pregnant.
What's difficult for me was giving my condolences about a pregnancy. It should be a happy time, even if it's unexpected. There's always reason to be joyful about another life. I know though, that MaryAnne is incapable of raising a child and that Judi, poor Judi, will be raising another great-grandchild. It's too much work for someone her age.
Judi informed me that MaryAnne didn't think she would keep the baby and we talked about how that was probably the best decision. That way no one had to answer questions from Jacob like, "Why is the baby with Mommy but I'm not?" or have to figure out who's going to watch the baby over the weekend or how to pay for immunizations. I was glad for Judi, thankful that MaryAnne was finally making a decent decision, thankful that Jacob would be spared just a little more pain when Judi said, "We're hopeful she has the abortion next week."
Wait. What?
I admit, I'm sheltered. I walk around in my little Christian bubble with my stay-at-home mom friends and every time there's a pregnancy we giggle and touch bellies and compare war stories.
As a teenager I was a very loud proponant of my Christain beliefs. I was totally one of those people. I had little compassion for what others were going through, I thought I knew better, I thought I had all the answers...I was probaby a pretty typical teenager. Abortion has always been something I've been against. Since I learned what it was it didn't sit right with me. As an adult, I've learned not to pass judgement. Not everyone has the kind of family I have, not everyone has the kind of health that I have, not everyone has the kind of support I have. I've learned to be less harsh, less direct, yet still maintain my beliefs. I never have, and never will, think that abortion is an answer. Even as a teenager I remember thinking about the what if's and wondering what would I do ... what if I were raped? What it it were my dad that raped me? What if I didn't love the father? What if the father wanted custody? What if the father wanted me to get an abortion? What if the father wanted nothing to do with me?
It always boiled down to this one thing for me :
Making a child pay for my own, or someone else's, poor decisions or mistakes wasn't ok. A child should not be punished for something he has no control over. Violence against children is wrong. End of story.
I know this isn't a popular thought, especially in today's world. I know most people, at least publicly, say that a baby isn't really even a baby until it's viable. I know I'm on the unpopular end of the spectrum.
My heart is heavy today as I think about MaryAnne and the choice she is making. I think about that precious heartbeat she carries around with her, the heartbeat she's most likely already caused harm to with her addictions and choices. I think of how much God loves that little baby and how I am thankful that even though that child may not experience the daylight or know his mother's love that he will be held and comforted by a God who created him, who is waiting on the other side of eternity with a name for him and a place for him to call home. I think about MaryAnne and how she too is precious to God. How he loves her - how even though He knew she would continue to break His heart He willingly laid down His life for her, hoping that one day she would call His Name so He could save her. I think of Jacob and all the terrible things he's experienced that he thinks are normal. I think of Judi and Cynthia and all the pain they endure, watching children they love waste away, as their decisions rob them of life, fulfillment and happiness.
Judi and I, we were having two different conversations. The whole time I thought we were talking about adoption and we weren't. When I finally figured it out I was so taken aback that I could hardly finish the conversation. To say that it caught me off guard is an understatement.
The opportunity for saying what I should have said is long gone and really, a moot point. The decisions that are made in that family are none of my business and even though I don't agree with them, trying to tell them that I know what is best for their family is just too presumptuious.
Although many people look at the pro-life movement as a bunch of right wing conservative wackos, I see it another way (although, unfortunately, there are wackos out there). I just see myself as someone who's heart breaks for for what people must go through; both babies and the mothers that carry them.
I can't make decisions for anyone other than myself. I can't pretend to understand every situation. I can't even tell you I've found a great solution. I don't have much to offer.
The only thing I bring to the table is Jesus and what He has to offer. What He offers is everything. And He's not the only thing I bring to the table - He's the thing. I know He's the only One with the answer. Until everyone, including myself, learns to listen to Him the way we all should, I just have to pray that His love, kindness and humility reign in my life so that those that would feel judged, those who make the decisions we disagree with, would get the chance to know Him.
After all, that's what life is about right? Pointing people to Him?
So maybe that's the next conversation I can have with Judi. I can just talk about Him. And He will work out all the details.

*Names changed

Three things. Oh wait, four things.

2010-07-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, a couple of things. First, I got my hair cut yesterday. Since Evil Jen left and moved to Texas... four years ago ... I still haven't found anyone to cut my hair. I've certainly had it cut - I've paid good money and not so good money - but never ever ever has it looked as good as it does when Jen cuts it. So usually I just wait until they come up for a visit and let her sleep on my kids' bedroom floor and then let her repay my generosity with a free do. But, I haven't seen her since November and she's not coming here until September and my hair...oh my hair. So, I went and got it cut. It's ok. Nothing a visit in September won't make better.

This morning on our way to the beach I told Mike, "I realized this morning I look like a 31 year old ... gulp ... mom." (um...I'm only 30 so I was feeling preeety old.)

He snickered and looked at me and said, "I don't know what that's supposed to mean. What made you think that?"

I sighed, rather loudly and poignantly, and replied sorrowfully, "My haircut. And bathing suit."

He just snickered some more and grabbed my leg and said, "Honey, you don't look like a 31 year old mom to me." Which may not sound very romantic to you, but it meant the world to me.

Then Brad Paisley's song One in a Million came on and I started to cry (ooo...that's out of the ordianary.) and I felt very stupid because, it's not like it's my actual husband singing to me but I couldn't help but think that if my husband were a famous country singer, that's the song he would sing to me. (I think this because one time it was on the radio and he said to me, "Honey, I wish I had written this song for you." It's not that my thinking is all out of whack.) Anyway, I'm in the car, crying, trying to hide it so I don't get teased when I look at my husband and he is smiling at me adoringly (I swear he had a tear in his eye) and says, "I think the timing of this song is perfect." Then I really started crying and I think if the kids weren't in the car we probably would have pulled over and had a mad make-out session.

Second, I think crying at Brad Paisley songs probably makes me old.

Third, we went to the beach today. It was wonderful. The thing about living in Western Washington is, yeah, we get a lot of rain, but the sun - oh, the sun. It really doesn't get better than here when the sun is out. You have two sets of mountain ranges, gorgeous views, and water just about every which way. We went out to Kayak Point and you would have thought we took the kids to Disneyland they were having so much fun. It was the perfect way to spend a Saturday.

Oh, and fourth. I do look like an old lady in my bathing suit. Whatev's. After seeing other women in their bathing suits though I am rethinking my angst at wearing a bikini. Also, tanning oil with SPF 8 is not good sunscreen. After removing my suit I still look like I'm wearing one. Yikes. Thank God for aloe.

Was that five things?

I would just say that this picture makes me smile. A lot. It's just all summery and beachy...and all the shoes are in one location.

This is a shrimp. I can't remember the type. Regardless, the kids thought it was awesome and seeing it made me a little hungry.

The real reason I love this picture though is the hands. I love Mike's hands. Manly. Strong. Thick. Not afraid of working hard or getting dirty. And never without his wedding band. I just really really love his hands.

This is my life. Right here. If this is all I have, then I have everything.

See? Mountains, trees, water, life. Love.

I can't help but hope that someday Simeon's wife will love his hands as much as I love his dad's.

The next few pictures are just my attempts at being artsy-fartsy.

What do you do??

2010-07-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

Momma Fargo just celebrated 22 years with her hubby. How cool is that? 22 years off her life sentence she said. Ha! I have this feeling (call me crazy) that she actually adores that man that's put up with her for so long (snicker snicker).

It seems marriage, or at least marriage long term and/or marriage done well, isn't such a common thing in police work. When Officer Hottie was in academy he was told that something like 80% of marriages don't survive the first five years after police academy. I don't know if that statistic is correct or not, but I know it sounds scary. I remember very clearly OH coming home, holding me and saying, "I will NOT let that happen to us." We're committed. We're in this for the long haul. Good or bad. Period. There's no escape plan, no exit route, no Plan B. It's us. Until death. That's it.

Honestly, I like it that way. OH and I come from a long line of committed marriages. All four sets of grandparents were only married to each other. Both of our parent's are still married to each other. Talk about stability.

I feel very strongly that marriage was created to be enjoyed; not tolerated. So I enjoy it. Very much. So far, it's my favorite. Even more than being a mom, or chocolate or sleeping in. Being a wife takes the cake. And although I would love to do an entire post on what Officer Hottie does to make sure that I enjoy being a wife so much, I will instead pose these questions:

How do you keep your marriage strong?
With all the failed marriages around, how do you keep it together?
With failure being an option for so many, how do you keep the temptation away?
What do YOU do to keep your husband coming home every night?
What does HE do to make sure you're home when he gets there?

(If you're missing me at all, or are just curious about our debt story, come check out Being Gently Led. It's where I'm at most the time now!)

Remember When Wednesdays (on Thursday!): The Debt Story Pt 4

2010-07-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

(After spending the last two days in bed with a migraine I decided, Wednesday or not, I was going to post this! Enjoy!)

When Mike came home I talked to him about my melt-down in the grocery store. He held me close and rubbed my hair.
"But, you came in under budget?" he asked carefullly.
"Yes."
"So, you were upset because you had enough money," he stated.
It sounded so stupid when he said it.
"Look," I grabbed his face and stared into his eyes, tears forming in my own. "I need to go see the doctor. Either I am dying or I'm pregnant. I'm way too up and down lately for it to be nothing."
"Dying or pregnancy. Those are the only possibilites?" I could tell he was trying to make light of the situation but I wasn't having it.
"Yes."
He sighed, resigning himself to my non-playfulness.
"Can't you wait to take a pregnancy test until our anniversary?" he asked. "I mean, it would be really fun to find out if your pregnant on our anniversary."
"That's two weeks away. If I'm dying it may be too late by then."
"Honey. Please."
"Ok," I relented. "I can wait until our anniversary. But I'm not happy about it."
"I'm so glad you aren't prone to being dramatic," he whispered into my hair.
I smiled, glad that he was so close. "I know, right? Imagine how awful it would be if I were dramatic."
While still holding me tightly Mike said, "Honey...we need new tires for the car."
I could feel his hug getting tighter, as if he could somehow supress the panic that he knew was going to come. Emotionally and physically I struggled against his hold but to no avail. He held me firmly in place and said quietly and calmly, "We have been blessed. We have more money than we need. We will pay cash. It will deplete our savings but it will be ok. We will start over and keep doing what we've been doing."
The tears returned. I felt like we were never going to get ahead. I reluctantly gave into his embrace once again and I could feel his grip around me loosen. "We have been blessed," he said again. He was right. We had been. We had the money we needed to buy the tires. I knew that once we got our tax refund, just a few weeks away, we would refund our emergency savings and be able to go on a little vacation for our anniversary. Six months ago that would have been impossible. I could choose to be angry that we had needs, or I could choose to see the blessing in God providing for those needs. I gave in; I chose to see the blessing.

***

Mike did his homework and found tires for our car for less than $500. It didn't totally deplete our savings. I felt empowered. We had money to pay for something. It was the first time in our marriage that we had paid cash for a major purchase. It was thrilling, and although I was sad that we didn't have much money left, it felt wonderful to know I didn't have to worry about how we were going to come up with the extra cash to make the payment for the tires. They were ours.

***
"My co-workers said you're pregnant," Officer Hottie stated as we were getting ready for bed.
I started to cry; it seemed to be my go to response lately.
"Really?" he asked. I could tell his patience with the constant crying was starting to wear thin.
"What do you expect?" I snapped. "Pregnant or dying. Remember?"
He sighed loudly, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. "Do you have a pregnancy test here?"
"Yup."
"I think you should probably take it."
"You sure? You don't want me to wait for our anniversary?"
"It would be nice to know why you're crying all the time."
"Just warning you, I got it at the Dollar store."
"Are you kidding me?"
"It's what we can afford."
He sighed again, waving me into the bathroom.
I pulled my little dollar store pregnancy test out of its package, did my business, then set it on the sink.
Before I stood up there were two pink lines.
"That was quick," I laughed.
"What was?"
"I'm pregnant."
The next few days were a whirlwind as we decided which doctor to go with. Our family doctor had delivered our first three children but he was a 45 minute drive away and with how fast my labors usually went and how long they usually kept us in the hospital we knew it wasn't a good option this time around. I called my friend, Melissa, who worked for an OBGYN closer to us and she got us in almost immediately.
I filled out the paperwork as best as I could. Last period? I have no idea. I'd had more kids than cycles in the last six years. How far along are you? I have no idea. See last question. I became frustrated with my inability to answer the questions and tossed the clipboard on the seat next to us. Mike was watching people come and go. "I should have brought my gun." They were a bunch of pregnant women, their kids and husband's. I patted his knee and our name was called.
The nurse asked me all the usual questions and I told her I thought I was five or six weeks along. She told me not to be alarmed when they couldn't see anything on the ultrasound. "It's tough to even see a heartbeat sometimes, if you're less than 8 weeks, so don't get worked up if we don't find something today, ok?" I prepared myself to not see anything, knowing that if they didn't I would still worry. It's what I do.
The doctor came in and I liked him immediately. He was kind and nerdy and reminded me a lot of our family doctor. I was glad with our decision. After the usual background questions he got out the ultrasound wand.
Mike and I stared at the screen, both of us eager and hopeful to see a heartbeat.
"There it is," the doctor said.
I was dumbfounded. I heard Mike's breathing next to me get a little faster.
"Um...those look like arms?" I half asked, half stated to the doctor.
Mike grabbed my hand.
"Yeah, they are. What did you expect to see?" he asked us.
"Well, the uh, nurse...she said we may not be able to even see a heartbeat this early, so I kind of expected to maybe only see a little beating heart."
The doctor chuckled. "When you're this far along you can almost tell the sex of the baby."
Mike's breathing stopped.
"Wait? What? How far along am I?"
"Uh...you're due August 18. You're almost 11 weeks."
I looked at Mike. He was crying. "11 weeks?" he squeaked out. "Are you sure?"
"You mean...I was pregnant at Christmas?" I said.
"Honey," the doctor replied, "you were pregnant at Thanksgiving."
Like a puzzle, all the pieces from the last three month's emotional roller coaster that had been my life clicked into place. Ah...I was pregnant the whole time! Practically from the time we'd started working on getting out of debt I'd been pregnant!
"Oh my gosh," Mike whispered.
"Oh ... haha ... oh oh!" I laughed.
This was truly going to be an adventure after all.

To be continued...