(After spending the last two days in bed with a migraine I decided, Wednesday or not, I was going to post this! Enjoy!)
When Mike came home I talked to him about my melt-down in the grocery store. He held me close and rubbed my hair.
"But, you came in under budget?" he asked carefullly.
"So, you were upset because you had enough money," he stated.
It sounded so stupid when he said it.
"Look," I grabbed his face and stared into his eyes, tears forming in my own. "I need to go see the doctor. Either I am dying or I'm pregnant. I'm way too up and down lately for it to be nothing."
"Dying or pregnancy. Those are the only possibilites?" I could tell he was trying to make light of the situation but I wasn't having it.
He sighed, resigning himself to my non-playfulness.
"Can't you wait to take a pregnancy test until our anniversary?" he asked. "I mean, it would be really fun to find out if your pregnant on our anniversary."
"That's two weeks away. If I'm dying it may be too late by then."
"Ok," I relented. "I can wait until our anniversary. But I'm not happy about it."
"I'm so glad you aren't prone to being dramatic," he whispered into my hair.
I smiled, glad that he was so close. "I know, right? Imagine how awful it would be if I were dramatic."
While still holding me tightly Mike said, "Honey...we need new tires for the car."
I could feel his hug getting tighter, as if he could somehow supress the panic that he knew was going to come. Emotionally and physically I struggled against his hold but to no avail. He held me firmly in place and said quietly and calmly, "We have been blessed. We have more money than we need. We will pay cash. It will deplete our savings but it will be ok. We will start over and keep doing what we've been doing."
The tears returned. I felt like we were never going to get ahead. I reluctantly gave into his embrace once again and I could feel his grip around me loosen. "We have been blessed," he said again. He was right. We had been. We had the money we needed to buy the tires. I knew that once we got our tax refund, just a few weeks away, we would refund our emergency savings and be able to go on a little vacation for our anniversary. Six months ago that would have been impossible. I could choose to be angry that we had needs, or I could choose to see the blessing in God providing for those needs. I gave in; I chose to see the blessing.
Mike did his homework and found tires for our car for less than $500. It didn't totally deplete our savings. I felt empowered. We had money to pay for something. It was the first time in our marriage that we had paid cash for a major purchase. It was thrilling, and although I was sad that we didn't have much money left, it felt wonderful to know I didn't have to worry about how we were going to come up with the extra cash to make the payment for the tires. They were ours.
"My co-workers said you're pregnant," Officer Hottie stated as we were getting ready for bed.
I started to cry; it seemed to be my go to response lately.
"Really?" he asked. I could tell his patience with the constant crying was starting to wear thin.
"What do you expect?" I snapped. "Pregnant or dying. Remember?"
He sighed loudly, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. "Do you have a pregnancy test here?"
"I think you should probably take it."
"You sure? You don't want me to wait for our anniversary?"
"It would be nice to know why you're crying all the time."
"Just warning you, I got it at the Dollar store."
"Are you kidding me?"
"It's what we can afford."
He sighed again, waving me into the bathroom.
I pulled my little dollar store pregnancy test out of its package, did my business, then set it on the sink.
Before I stood up there were two pink lines.
"That was quick," I laughed.
The next few days were a whirlwind as we decided which doctor to go with. Our family doctor had delivered our first three children but he was a 45 minute drive away and with how fast my labors usually went and how long they usually kept us in the hospital we knew it wasn't a good option this time around. I called my friend, Melissa, who worked for an OBGYN closer to us and she got us in almost immediately.
I filled out the paperwork as best as I could. Last period? I have no idea. I'd had more kids than cycles in the last six years. How far along are you? I have no idea. See last question. I became frustrated with my inability to answer the questions and tossed the clipboard on the seat next to us. Mike was watching people come and go. "I should have brought my gun." They were a bunch of pregnant women, their kids and husband's. I patted his knee and our name was called.
The nurse asked me all the usual questions and I told her I thought I was five or six weeks along. She told me not to be alarmed when they couldn't see anything on the ultrasound. "It's tough to even see a heartbeat sometimes, if you're less than 8 weeks, so don't get worked up if we don't find something today, ok?" I prepared myself to not see anything, knowing that if they didn't I would still worry. It's what I do.
The doctor came in and I liked him immediately. He was kind and nerdy and reminded me a lot of our family doctor. I was glad with our decision. After the usual background questions he got out the ultrasound wand.
Mike and I stared at the screen, both of us eager and hopeful to see a heartbeat.
"There it is," the doctor said.
I was dumbfounded. I heard Mike's breathing next to me get a little faster.
"Um...those look like arms?" I half asked, half stated to the doctor.
Mike grabbed my hand.
"Yeah, they are. What did you expect to see?" he asked us.
"Well, the uh, nurse...she said we may not be able to even see a heartbeat this early, so I kind of expected to maybe only see a little beating heart."
The doctor chuckled. "When you're this far along you can almost tell the sex of the baby."
Mike's breathing stopped.
"Wait? What? How far along am I?"
"Uh...you're due August 18. You're almost 11 weeks."
I looked at Mike. He was crying. "11 weeks?" he squeaked out. "Are you sure?"
"You mean...I was pregnant at Christmas?" I said.
"Honey," the doctor replied, "you were pregnant at Thanksgiving."
Like a puzzle, all the pieces from the last three month's emotional roller coaster that had been my life clicked into place. Ah...I was pregnant the whole time! Practically from the time we'd started working on getting out of debt I'd been pregnant!
"Oh my gosh," Mike whispered.
"Oh ... haha ... oh oh!" I laughed.
This was truly going to be an adventure after all.
To be continued...
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- This Morning
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- The Unpopular Voice
- Three things. Oh wait, four things.
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- Growing Up
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