Monday, May 3, 2010

Have you ever???

Have you ever been convinced that the conversation you just had with your husband will be the last time you ever hear his voice? Or that the last time he says "I love you" will be the last time you hear him say it to you? Have you ever been convinced that you will never see your husband alive again?

I'm sure that as police wives we all go through times of doubt and anxiety. I go through that on occasion, but usually only after something happens. I feel nervous about letting him go to work, I get worried when he doesn't call or text me, I cry and pray a lot. But it is often a reaction to an event that has already taken place.

Last week, my dad called Officer Hottie to tell him how much he loved him and how thankful he was that he was part of our family. It was very sweet. When OH and I were first engaged he and my dad didn't have the best relationship. My dad always liked him just fine, but as most young men, OH has his own way and idea of doing things and it didn't gel well with what my dad's plan was. That was long ago and any hurts or stresses from that period of time has long passed, but it still feels good to know that my love genuinly loves my husband.

When OH called to tell me my dad had called him he was very sweet. He said how nice it was of my dad to call and how he was glad they had a good relationship. And before he hung up he said he loved me so much, which he always says. When we hung up, I looked around my house, the home we've made together, and our four beautiful children and I started to cry. I just knew that was it. In a few seconds my mind was there. You know what I mean; how would I tell the kids, how would I sleep alone, who was going to notify me, who were going to be the pallbearers, how much music would they allow at the service, which pictures should we find, etc. On and on. Then I started to beg. I begged and begged and pleaded with God to protect him, to not leave me alone. I can't raise four children on my own. We're in the middle of remodeling. I can't finish that. Who will keep my feet warm at night? No one understands me like he does, no one puts up with me like he does, no one smells as good as he does ... our kids like him more than me. Then slowly I started asking for strength and help. For courage. For peace. And for sanity.

When OH called me later, hearing his voice was such relief. What he hadn't told me earlier was that a few minutes after my dad called him he was dispatched to a fairly scary call. He also had been convinced that he was being sent into certain death. It was really just the timing of everything - a seemingly random phone call from his father in law, and then getting dispatched to this particular call. He said he started driving and thought, "Ok Lord. This must be it." So he called me. He said he had wanted me to know that he and my dad really did love each other and that he loved me the most. I, of course, started crying again. I hadn't told him when he called the first time that it terrified me; that for a moment (a long long moment) I thought that just maybe my dad knew what the future held. What he hadn't said was that he felt the same way.

It was an interesting dynamic; both of us being convinced we would never see each other again. Him trying to keep his head on straight so he could do his job effectively, me trying to keep it together so my children didn't see me falling apart for no reason. When he came home that night we couldn't seem to get enough of each other.

I know death is inevitable. I know it's going to happen; one of us has to go first. I don't know if it will be today, or in a year, or in 80 years. I don't know if it will be a gunshot, a car accident, or cancer. I just don't know. And I'm thankful for that. After those few hours when I thought I knew, I realized I don't want to see it coming. I don't want to be waiting for it. I won't sit at home in fear of what I have no control over. Trust me, I've considered it. Every time I get in the car, every time he goes to work, every time he works on our house or climbs up on the roof, every time we leave our children to go on a date or a vacation, every time one of our children is gone from our family for some reason, every time my son gets on the school bus I wonder if that time will be the last time. I've got to stop. After our second son was born I went through a time of not even wanting to leave our house. The "what if's" got the best of me. It was short lived, thankfully but I realized I'm a fearful person, and fear gets me nowhere. Fear paralyzes me. It stops my life, it makes me incapable of enjoying the very life (lives) I'm afraid of losing.

I'm glad my dad doesn't see the future and I'm even more glad that he loves my husband. I'm glad my husband's first thought when he thinks he is headed to death's door is to call me and make sure I know he loves me. Mostly, I'm thankful for Peace. I am thankful for the Knowledge that death isn't the end. I am thankful for Hope.

I am thankful for one more chance to hold my husband's hand and to look into his eyes and to hear his voice.

I will let Thanks be more powerful than Fear.

12 comments:

Momma Fargo said...

Awesome post! I'm right there with ya! Be safe! And thankfs over fear is a great way to rock your way through the police way of life! Hugs

Sister Copinherhair said...

I won't criticize you for feeling that way. I've been there too. However, it wasn't with Indubitably. It was with my ex husband. A stupid psychic long ago told me that I'd get married one day and for "whatever reason" he just wouldn't be around much. I took that to mean that he would die. I would cry, much like you did, just if he went out with his buddies at night. I was so afraid that I would lose him.

Then there came the point when I thought, "God, why DIDN'T you take him? My life would have been so much easier." I don't think that anymore because now we get along just fine.

My point is...DON'T have that fear. Feel confident that he is trained very well and will come home to you after every shift. And then, like you said, just be thankful. Don't waste wonderful precious minutes being afraid. Use them to enjoy what you have.

Momma Hen said...

Momma Fargo: Thanks! I don't know how you do it ... going out there AND sending your spouse out there. You're amazing.
Sister Copinherhair: I've spent a lot of time being afraid of losing what I've got that I'm sure I've missed being able to enjoy it. It's so easy to let fear get the best of me. I feel thankful that I at least know enough to take a step back, realize what I'm doing, and adjust it. It's so much better to just enjoy it all!

MONICA-LnP said...

great post!and I agree with SisterC,think positive :)

olliemom said...

You are so brave, Mama Hen! My hubby is a designer for Microsoft and I freak out all the time that something will happen to him during his commute. Officer Hottie is lucky to have such a strong, loving woman standing by his side.

5ohWifey said...

Awesome post! I feel that way sometimes also. I too cry, pray & beg. I too feel foolish when i realize he is fine. I too think our prayers have at least a little something to do with it :-) thanks for sharing!

April E. :) said...

I have absolutely had moments like that! So I treasure the moments he gets home!! We are all human and thoughts of worry can always creep in with that big FEAR monster...just remember there is a reason for everything and every moment you can hug that sweet Husband of yours...treasure it! :) Thanks for being so vulnerable, we have all been there!

Momma Hen said...

Thanks Olliemom! Having a child with someone sure makes you realize how much MORE you depend on them, huh?! I hate commutes anyway...people are crazy!
5ohWifey - Pretty sure prayer has everything to do with it!! My friend told me yesterday that I may never know but my prayers could very well have changed the course of things. Sometimes I forget how powerful prayer, and the One my prayers are directed to, is.
April E - Love those moments when I can hug him and smell him just one more time!

CM said...

This was such an honest and heartfelt post. After the week we have had here, it's hard to know what to say. I guess just that you can't live in that place, you have to acknowledge those feelings, but then let them go. If you find yourself dwelling on the "what ifs", find something else to distract yourself with.

I know, when both my boys were just infants, I was constantly thinking of what if they stopped breathing, what if we get into a car accident, ect. I finally had to force myself to quit thinking that way.

I try to just trust God and when I feel anxious, I send up a prayer for comfort and peace. Hope that helps.

Jenney said...

I love how honest you were in this post, and I am so glad you are able to pray through those fears.

People ask me all the time if I am afraid when #1 goes to work, but honestly I am not. I don't know why. Maybe I am just a cold cold woman :o)

Even after he was in a shooting this year (which really shook me up) I have never had fears about him being at work. I'd like to write it off as great faith, but I know better than that. I guess I have just been blessed with peace. I am so proud of what he does and I try to keep that in the front of my mind.

Momma Hen said...

Cop Mama: I've been praying for you and yours. Trusting God can be so difficult, but it's so much nicer to know He can handle it all
Jenney: You're probably heartless. :o) How awesome that you have so much peace. The Lord reminds me over and over that He wants to give it to me...sometimes it's just hard to accept.

Simply Complicated said...

I loved this post and also the comments everyone has left! I feel like I've felt some of all of it! It is a choice to let fear in and let it rule. My husband once told me that it's okay to have a feeling, even if it's bad. But to not stay there too long. That's when you give Satan a foothold and he will use it against you. That really made sense to me. Thank you for sharing my stomach did a little flip-flop when I was reading because I've been there!